The Dark and Hollow Places - Carrie Ryan [56]
This is where he’d tell me he loved me and that he’d never let me go again. He’d tell me he’s sorry, he never should have left. That I’m everything to him.
It used to be what I thought I always wanted. And him being near is too tempting, it’s too easy to want to fall back against him even now when I know the absolute absurdity of it. He’s practically a stranger to me and me to him.
I refuse to let him do this to me again. I won’t keep wanting a man who can never be mine. I deserve someone who wants me as much as I want him.
Elias simply sits there, hands in his lap as he watches me pace back and forth. I can’t tell what he’s thinking or feeling and not knowing chokes me.
“Where have you been?” I finally ask, and the question comes out as a desperate ache.
“I was with the Recruiters,” he says. He opens his mouth to say more but the sound just dies.
“I know, but …” There are too many ways for me to finish that statement. But what took so long? But why didn’t you come home earlier?
But why did you leave me?
And I realize that I’m going to have to ask him, because otherwise I’ll always feel this uncertainty. “Why did you go?” I whisper.
I feel it fresh all over again: the moment he said he’d joined the Recruiters and was leaving. How ugly and useless it made me feel.
He sighs, and when I look at him he’s jumped to his feet and is standing by the door with his hand on the back of his neck. Only it’s not his gesture anymore—it’s Catcher’s. I clench my teeth against the flood of emotions as thoughts of Catcher begin to invade the moment.
I refuse to let these men unsettle me this much. I’m stronger than that. I’ve had to be determined and independent—it’s who I am now.
I cross my arms, waiting for Elias to answer. Finally, he drops his hand from his neck, rolls his shoulders as if to ease tension. “I was scared,” he says. He shrugs and looks over at the maps covering the walls.
I’m silent, waiting for more.
“That’s the reason I left at first,” he continues. “I didn’t know how to take care of you. I’d …” He swallows and I take a step toward him. “I’d failed you before.”
“What do you mean, failed me?” I ask. He’s now just a few feet away and he glances at me. His eyes flicker along my scars. It’s so fast, such a small deviation of his gaze that I’m sure he doesn’t think I notice.
But of course I do. It’s the way people have looked at me most of my life. Usually I scowl back, but Elias knows me too well for that to work on him. I start to feel cold, my insides icy.
“It’s my fault we went on the paths,” he says. “It’s my fault we left the village and didn’t stay to take care of Gabry.” His voice grows louder with each statement. “It’s my fault you and I got lost in the Forest and barely found a way out. All of this—all of it!—is my fault.” He sounds almost out of control and he takes a long breath before saying, “It’s my fault you’re …” He gestures at my face, trying to find the right word.
“Ugly,” I say for him.
“You’re not ugly!” he snaps. “You’ve always refused to believe that and I couldn’t stand the pressure of having to believe it for you.”
I jerk my head back, surprised at the outburst, but he keeps going, oblivious to the way his words tear through me. “You wanted me to be a hero and that’s what I tried to be. That’s why I left.”
He rubs his hand across his forehead, his eyes closed tight for a moment. “I knew what we were doing to survive wasn’t going to be enough—it was never enough. I had to find a way to make life better for us. I couldn’t stand to just keep plodding along—I wanted something better. I was selfish.”
I say nothing. Just stand there. I’d never thought of him as selfish. If anything, I’d never thought enough about what he wanted, who he truly was.
He lets out a long slow breath. “I was scared, Annah, can’t you see? I left because of my own failing. Not because of yours.”
I’m shocked by what he’s saying. I’d had no idea. No idea he’d ever felt that way.
“I was never going to be able to be the person you needed.” He sounds defeated and tired all