The Dark and Hollow Places - Carrie Ryan [97]
Surprised, I suck in a deep breath. “I didn’t know,” I whisper.
“She was beautiful and I thought she was strong, but then she lost hope and that was it. The end.” I can hear the pain in his memory. “Getting infected was just the way she killed herself.”
“I’m so sorry.” I don’t know what else to say.
“And you.” He turns to face me. “You’re alive. Uninfected. I can’t watch the same thing happen to you. I can’t go through that again.”
“Catcher—” I jump up from the bed but the stiffness in his back stops me from touching him.
“You don’t understand,” he says. “I exist in this in-between place. In between you and Cira. In between life and death. I don’t even know who I am anymore. What I am.” He turns and leans against the window so that he’s facing me.
“You’re not in between,” I tell him. He starts to shake his head but I interrupt him. “Do you care about me?” I ask. His eyes go wide. “Me and Elias and my sister. Do you care about us?”
He wrinkles his forehead. “You know I do, but—”
“And the Soulers you brought to the island? And that little boy—the people in the Dark City you take food to?” Now I’m right in front of him.
He flushes red, looking trapped. “I’m doing the best I can with them. I can’t—”
“Don’t you see?” I cut him off, my voice fervent. “Caring is a trait of the living. Not of the dead.”
His expression turns dark. “It’s not that easy, Annah.”
I lean forward and place my palms on the window on either side of him. “No, it is that easy. You’re alive. You’re only in that in-between state because you choose to be. Because you’re afraid to actually live.”
“It’s not that simple,” he protests.
My mouth hovers over his for a moment. “Life is never that simple. And the fact that it’s not that simple to you means only one thing: You’re still alive.”
He presses against me and I push back, tangling around him as he kisses me. “I am because of you,” he whispers in my ear. “Tomorrow I’ll find someplace safe for us. For all of us. I’m not coming back before I figure a way out. I promise.”
I kiss him again. How do I tell him that I already feel safe in his arms?
I don’t even have time to miss Catcher because the next morning my sister becomes crippled with illness, throwing up until there’s nothing left in her body and still she heaves and heaves. Her skin’s scorching and sweaty as she lies limp on the bed groaning, half delirious.
Elias is on the edge of panic. He goes and talks to the Recruiters, asking for herbs or medicines, but he comes back empty-handed with a rage seeping from his pores.
“They don’t care that she’s sick,” he seethes, pacing around the room. He stops and looks at me, his face drawn. “He said they only need one of us alive to keep Catcher coming back with supplies.”
My face drains and I absently raise my hand to tuck my hair behind my ears. Hair that’s no longer there. I let my hand fall to my lap and stare at my sister, pale under the blankets. “Maybe Catcher can bring something for us,” I say, trying not to let my voice shake because he promised last night that he wouldn’t come back until he found someplace safe for us.
And I don’t know how long that will take him.
Elias and I alternate shifts, placing frozen strips of cloth on her face and coaxing her to let snow melt on her tongue. I pace by the window through the night, waiting for the cable car to start its way across the river, but it doesn’t move.
The next morning I’m on the roof staring at the Dark City when Elias joins me. He wrings out a blanket, damp with my sister’s sweat, and shovels fresh snow into a bucket to try to cool her fevered skin. And then he just stops and stands there, red raw hands limp by his sides.
“She hasn’t eaten or drunk anything since yesterday dawn.” He shakes his head slowly as if he’s trying to figure something out. “I’m afraid she might stop fighting.”
I press my lips together, not knowing what to say, wondering if it’s my fault she’s sick since she joined me on the shore during the snowstorm. I hate not being able to make her better. I hate feeling so useless.
I kick my foot