The Dark Arena - Mario Puzo [77]
“You know what,” she said. And the shock of understanding, the pain that she should say such a thing, was so great that there was no anger in him, only a sinking in his stomach, a despairing hopelessness. When die saw his face she came and knelt beside his chair, and it was only when they were alone that she relinquished her strength, that she was tender, supplicating. She said, Tm not angry you lost this job because you were a Communist. But what are we going to do? We have to think of our child. You have to be able to work and earn money, Gordon. And the way you lose all your Meads when you get so angry about politics. We can't live like this, darling, we just can't.”
Gordon rose from his chair and moved away from her. He was profoundly shocked, not so much that she was capable of saying such a thing but that she knew him so little, the human being closest to him. That she could think he would leave the party as one would give up tobacco or a special food. But he had to answer her.
‘Tm thinking of our child,” Gordon said. “That's why Fm a Communist. How would you like to have him grow up and suffer what Leo went through or become someone like Mosca who cares nothing for his fellow human beings? I didn't like the way he talked in front of you, but he doesn't care about that though he professes to be fond of me. I want our son to grow up in a healthy society that won't send him to wars or concentration camps. I want him to grow up in a moral society. That's what I'm fighting for. And you know that our society is corrupt, Ann, you know it”
Ann rose to face him. She was no longer tender or supplicating. She spoke to him factually. “You don't believe anything bad that has been written about Russia. I believe some of it, enough of it. They won't make my son safe. I have faith in my own country, as people have faith in their brothers and sisters. You always say that is nationalistic. I don't know. You're prepared to make sacrifices for what you believe in, but I'm not prepared to have our child suffer for your beliefs. And, Gordon, if I thought you fitted in with them I wouldn't try to make you stop. But what happened to Leo's father is exactly what will happen to you. I felt that when he told us, and I felt he told us for that reason, to warn you. Or even worse, you'll become corrupt. You have to quit, you just have to quit.” Her broad-planed face was stubborn and he knew that stubbornness to be invincible.
‘ -Let me see if we understand each other,” Gordon said slowly. “You want me to get a good job, live like a good middle-class citizen, and not place my future in jeopardy by remaining in the party. Is that correct?”
She didn't answer and he went on. “I know your motives are irreproachable. Basically we both agree. We want to do the best thing for our son. We disagree on method. The security you want for him is only a temporary one, a security at the mercy of the capitalists who run the country. My way, we fight for a permanent security, a security that can't be shattered by a few members of the ruling class. Don't you see?”
“You'll have to give it up,” Ann said stubbornly, “You'll just have to give it up.”
“And if I can't?”
“If you don't promise to give it up—” Ann paused and composed herself to say the words, “HI go back to England with the baby instead of to America.”
They were both frightened by what she had finally said, then Ann went on in a low voice close to tears. “I know you'll keep your promise once you've made it. You see, I trust you.” And for the first time since they had been together Gordon was truly angry with her, because he knew her faith was justified; he had never lied to her, never broken a promise. His New England conscience had always functioned in personal relationships. And now she was using his honesty to trap him.
“Let me get this straight,” Gordon said deliberately. “If I don't promise to leave the party, you'll take our son and go to England. You'll leave me.” He kept the pain and anger out of his voice. “If I do promise, you will come to the States with me.” Ann nodded