The Dark Side of Disney - Leonard Kinsey [32]
Alternative Lifestyle Activities:
No, not Gay Days. Gay Days is no longer “alternative”. It’s just a happier, more brightly colored crowd than normal. No, if you’re looking for something really wacky to do with your body on a WDW vacation, you’re not going to find it in the parks. So rent a car, or better yet find a hot CM to drive you, and head on over to these two off-site wonderlands.
Cypress Cove Nudist Resort and Spa
http://www.cypresscoveresort.com
Did you ever notice that a lot of the Disney characters don’t wear clothes, or even weirder, only wear tops? That’s because Walt Disney was a strong proponent of nudism* (*this is blatantly false). So why not celebrate his achievements at a “clothing optional” nude beach where you can either be a creepy voyeur and gawk at saggy naked people while fully clothed, or join in the fun and gawk at saggy naked people while they also gawk at your sagginess. Yes, there is a bar, so go ahead and get liquored up and let it all hang out, just like Pluto!
Cypress Cove is about a 35 minute drive from WDW property. To get there, take Hwy 192 East to Poinciana Boulevard. Turn right and follow south for thirteen miles to Pleasant Hill Road. Turn left and go one-quarter mile to their gate, on the right.
The best part is that as of this writing, if you’ve never been to Cypress Cove before there’s a coupon on their website that’ll get you a tour of the place and all day admission for free! Couples-only, though – they don’t let single guys in the door unless you can prove you’ve had a bunch of prior nudist-camp experience, which means having an expensive membership somewhere, which means you’re at least a rich pervert.
Hint 1: Their gym is your best chance of seeing actual hot nude people, because let’s face it, they’re at least trying to maintain appearances. Just saying….
Hint 2: Bring a towel to sit on. Nobody wants to sit down on a hot barstool and get their bare ass soaked with your bare ass’s sweat drippings. Or maybe they do, but if that’s the case they’re going to have to go somewhere else and pay a lot more money, because Cypress Grove isn’t for fucking perverts! Except voyeurs. And exhibitionists. And maybe pedophiles. But, you know, other than that, no perverts allowed!
Orlando Love Loft
http://www.orlandoloveloft.com
Whereas, perverts of all sorts are more than welcome at The Orlando Love Loft! But mostly swingers. Which is pretty hot, so I’ve decided it’s not perverted. Even if there’s candlewax on the nipples involved, it’s still hot, and thus not perverted. Fuck you Middle America, I’m making my own rules!
From their stock response e-mail (i.e., a real person wouldn’t respond to my requests for an interview):
INFO@orlandoloveloft.com
Thank you for your E-mail. Feel free to call us toll free at 1-866-738-3950.
On Friday and Saturdays emails may not get answered in time; due to attending to our guests, so please call to be sure your questions get answered.
LADIES ARE ALWAYS FREE
What is the dress code? CASUAL
Do we have to become a member? NO
Is there any additional charge at the door?
COUPLE: $40
SINGLE MALE: $60
SINGLE FEMALE: FREE
Do you bring your own drinks? BYOB - Bring your own alcoholic beverages - Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite and bottled water & munchies provided.
PARTY STARTS AT 8 PM TILL 2 AM
LOCATION: 8310 Happy Trails Rd, Kissimmee, FL 34747
Directions: I-4 to Exit 60 (SR 429 North) then Exit #1 (Sinclair) .25 cent toll. Turn left onto Sinclair, go over the bridge. Then Right on Happy Trails Then 1 mile to the address of 8310 Happy Trails kissimmee, Fl 34747 on the left. Drive in gate to parking area and enter the left of the house.
I don’t know why, but when I think about this place, I always picture Jay from Kevin Smith’s movies standing in the living room yelling, “I’m gonna fuck that bitch, and that bitch, and that one, too! Snoogins!” Not sure why I think the clientele there would act like that, but since the