The Dark Side of Disney - Leonard Kinsey [48]
“Let’s do this!” I shouted, and we charged towards the castle, knowing exactly what our first ride would be. Not Space Mountain, or Thunder Mountain, or Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. No, we were headed straight for The Utilidor entrance immediately northwest of the castle.
We sprinted through the rose garden leading up to the castle, taking in the sounds and smells of our surroundings. Exhilarated, running full speed, we quickly reached the location detailed in our ASCII map.
But we saw… nothing. No heavily barricaded door, no “Keep Out” sign, no semi-obvious security cameras, no plain-clothed Disney cops, no off-limits entrance whatsoever. Dismayed, we parted shrubbery, looked under the bridges for secret ladders, and kicked at the pavement for trap doors.
“Fuck!” I yelled, causing a lady nearby to glare at me and cup her hands over her daughter’s ears. “Give me a break, lady!” I shouted to her, and turned to McGeorge. “Your map sucks!” I was pissed. “I can’t believe we came all the way here, spent money on a hotel, and then it turns out the damn map is a fake! We’re all a bunch of idiots for believing some anonymous jackass on some stupid BBS!”
“Yeah, McGeorge, I’m never listening to your damn modem butt-buddies again!” shouted Newmeyer.
“Shove it, Newmeyer, my computer is smarter than you’ll ever be!” spat a flustered McGeorge as he punched Newmeyer in the arm, hard. Newmeyer immediately put McGeorge into a headlock, and they both fell on the ground.
“Get off me, fatass!” screamed McGeorge, his voice raised an octave into an ear-piercing shriek, causing birds to scatter.
Disgusted, I turned and started walking away, not wanting to be there when the Disney Police showed up.
And then I saw it. Just beyond the simple and unobtrusive Sleeping Beauty fountain was a double door with two smooth black handles, completely inconspicuous in the shadows with its bland brown and slightly dirty turquoise paint, contrasted with the shimmering ornate gold trim on the nearby castle. No warning signs, no locks, no lights, nothing drawing attention to itself in the midst of a whole park which was having the exact opposite effect on the senses. A door specifically designed to not be noticed. Brilliant.
The Mythical Utilidors Entrance Next to Cinderella’s Castle
“Guys!” I yelled under my breath. Newmeyer was on top of McGeorge, a long thread of phlegm hanging from his mouth, dangling above McGeorge’s face. McGeorge screamed, and it was so loud I just about bolted then and there. “Assholes, the door is right in front of us!” I hissed.
Newmeyer sucked the spit back into his mouth, jolted around, and jumped off of McGeorge. “What, where?!”
I pointed to the door. Newmeyer gasped.
McGeorge got up with a frenzied grin, apparently forgetting he’d come within a second of having a puddle of snot dropped onto his face. “Fuck me, that’s smart!” he laughed.
We all stood there, staring at the door. Breaking out of my stupor, I quickly realized that security would be arriving any second. “Guys, we need to get out of here, and fast.”
“Down the rabbit hole?” asked Newmeyer apprehensively.
“That’s what we came here for,” responded McGeorge.
So I walked to the door, opened it, and stepped inside. Newmeyer and McGeorge followed right behind me, and the door closed silently behind us.
And what we saw was completely anticlimactic: an ugly fluorescent-light lit room with a large pile of wheelchairs and strollers in the corner, stacked two high, and a stairway whose handrails were covered with chipped paint. A cockroach scurried across the floor.
Currently there are strollers stored in the entry room
“Lame,” I said.
“Blech,” echoed McGeorge.
“Well, at least now we know where to go to get a free wheelchair,” a chipper Newmeyer chimed in. “Seriously, I’m sure all the good stuff is down the stairs.”
I nodded in agreement,