The Death of the Heart - Elizabeth Bowen [53]
He did half want me to go, and I did half want to go too, but I did not. This was the first time Thomas had asked me something he did seem to want to know. I was pleased to hear the name of Eddie and sat on the arm of the armchair. When he wanted a cigarette himself he started to offer me one by mistake. I could not help laughing. He said, I forgot, then said, no, don't start being grown up. He said, you know mistakes run in our family.
He said when my Father started getting to know my Mother, while my Father still lived in Dorset with Mrs. Quayne, my Father started to smoke a lot more. He said my Father got so ashamed of smoking so much that he started to save his cigarette stumps up in an envelope, then bury them in the garden. Because it was summer with no fires to burn them in, and he didn't want Matchett to count the stumps. I said, how did Thomas know, and he gave a sort of laugh and said, I once caught him at it. He said, my Father did not like being caught, but to Thomas it only seemed a joke.
Thomas said he did not know what had put this into his head and after that he gave me a sort of look when he did not think I was looking. All Thomas's looks, except ones at Anna, are at people not looking. But he did not mind when he found I was looking. After all he and I have our Father. Though he and Anna have got that thing together, there is not the same thing inside him and Anna, like that same thing inside him and me. He said in a sort of quick way that was near me, I hope Eddie is polite? I said, what did he mean, and he said, well, I don't know Eddie, does he try it on? He said, no you probably don't know what I mean, I said No, and he said in that case it was all right, he supposed. I said, we talked, and Thomas looked at the rug, as though he knew where we had sat, and said, oh do you, I see.
Then Thomas sort of rumpled the rug up with his heel, as if he did not like people to have sat there. That lamp makes Thomas's face all bags and lines, as if he was alone in his room. He said oh well, we shall see how you make out. He took a book up and said it was a mistake to love any person, I said it is all right if you are married, isn't it, and he said quickly, oh of course, that is all right. I heard a taxi stopping like one of Anna's, so 1 said I must go and I went up. I felt so like Thomas I had been quite glad to hear the taxi stop.
Wednesday.
Today we did Hygiene and French Elocution, and were taken to the National Gallery to look at pictures of Siennese Art. On the way to the National Gallery, Lilian said, what ever was on my mind? I said nothing, but she said that I was not attending. After the National Gallery she asked me to come to Peter Jones's with her to help her choose a semi-evening dress. Lilian's mother lets her choose her clothes so as to let her form her taste. But Lilian has got taste. I said I must telephone to Matchett, and Lilian said that the day might come when it would be awkward for me having to do that. Lilian chose a beautiful blue dress that just goes on her figure and cost four guineas.
When I got back I heard Anna in the study. I have not seen Thomas since yesterday.
Thursday.
I got a letter from Eddie to ask if anyone had asked about Sunday. He says he drew a picture for me, but he forgot to put that in. He says next week-end he has got to be away.
My white rug has come back, it is fluffier than it was, it is fluffy like the underneath of a cat. I hope I shall not upset something on it again.
Today we did Essays on Siennese Art, we were asked to say what characteristics it had got that Umbrian Art