The Debacle - Emile Zola [233]
‘Look here, Silvine, I can understand you bear me a grudge, but it isn’t quite fair… I went off and hurt you very much, but you should have realized at once that perhaps it was because I wasn’t my own master. When you’ve got superiors you’ve got to obey them, haven’t you? Even if they had sent me off somewhere on foot, a hundred leagues away, I should have gone. And of course I couldn’t say anything – it nearly broke my heart to go off like that without even saying good-night… Today, God knows, I’m not going to pretend that I was sure of coming back. But I meant to try, and as you see here I am.’
She had turned her head away and was looking through the window at the snow in the yard, as though determined not to hear. He was disconcerted by this silent contempt, and broke off his explanation to say:
‘Do you know you’re prettier than ever?’
At that moment she was indeed very beautiful, with her wonderful big eyes lighting up her pale face. Her heavy black hair was like eternal widow’s weeds.
‘Come on, be a good sort! You ought to know I don’t wish you any harm… If I didn’t still love you I wouldn’t have come back, and that’s a fact… But as I am back and it’s all worked out all right, we’re going to see more of each other, aren’t we?’
She drew back quickly, looked him straight in the face and said:
‘Never!’
‘What do you mean, never? Aren’t you my wife, and isn’t that child ours?’
She kept her eyes on him and said deliberately:
‘Listen, we’d better put an end to this at once… You knew Honoré, I loved him and have never loved anyone else. And he is dead, and you people killed him… I shall never have anything more to do with you, never!’
She raised her hand and swore this oath in a voice so full of hatred that for a moment he was quite abashed, abandoned his affectionate tone and murmured :
‘Yes, I knew Honoré was dead. He was a very nice chap. Still, after all, others have been killed, there’s a war on… And then I thought that as he was dead there was no obstacle left between us. Because, as a matter of fact, Silvine, let me remind you, I didn’t use force, you consented…’
But he had to break off because she was in such a distracted state, with her hands raised to her face as though she were going to claw herself to pieces.
‘Oh, yes, I know, yes, it’s just that that’s driving me crazy. Why did I let you when I didn’t love you?… I can’t remember, I was so miserable and so ill after Honoré had gone, and it may have been perhaps because you talked about him and seemed to be fond of him. Oh God, how many nights have I spent crying my eyes out thinking about it! It’s horrible to have done something you didn’t mean to do and not to be able to understand afterwards why you did it… And he had forgiven me, he had told me that if those Prussian swine didn’t kill him he would marry me just the same when he came back home from the army. And you think I’m going back with you? Now look, even with a knife at my throat I shall say no, no, never!’
This time Goliath’s face darkened with anger. When he had known her she was submissive, but now he sensed that she was unshakeable and fiercely determined. Amiable creature he might be, but he wanted her, even if it meant using force now he was the master, and if he was not imposing his will with violence it was because of his innate prudence, his instinct for ruse and patience. This heavy-fisted giant disliked coming to blows. So he thought of another way of cowing her into submission.
‘Right, as you don’t want me, I’ll take the kid.’
‘The kid? What do you mean?’
Chariot had been forgotten, and was still hiding in his mother’s skirt, trying not to burst out crying in the middle of the quarrel. Goliath got up from his chair and came over.
‘You’re my little boy, aren’t you, a little Prussian… Come along with me…!’
Silvine snatched the boy up indignantly in her arms and clasped him to her breast.
‘A Prussian, him! No! French, born in France!’
‘A Frenchman!