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I remember my dream the night before, and my mind returns to it, my anger at Aubrey forcing me to remember the rest.

He did not kill Katherine. He only killed the remainder of what might have been my soul.

CHAPTER 17

1704

I REFUSED TO WATCH HIM kill her.

Ignoring the consequences, I jumped at Aubrey, tearing him away from Katherine. The woman stumbled, falling to the ground, still hypnotized. Aubrey spun around and grabbed my arm, throwing me to the ground too. I did not immediately try to stand. I did not want to fight him again, because I knew that if I lost, he would kill me.

“You never learn, do you?” he snapped. “Stand up, Risika.”

I stood slowly, watching him warily but he only pulled Katherine to her feet.

She had caught her hand in a raspberry bush when she fell, and I had to turn my head away from her, my already faltering self-control weakened further by the scent of blood.

Once again Aubrey pulled her head back, and this time my gaze caught on her throat, riveted by the blood that was flowing just beneath the surface. I hesitated an instant, during which Aubrey leaned forward. He showed no reluctance as his fangs pierced her throat.

“Let her go, Aubrey,” I somehow managed to growl, fighting the bloodlust that was trying to convince me to feed.

He looked up, and his black gaze met mine for a moment; he licked blood from his lips, and a wicked smile spread across his face. “You really want me to?”

“Yes,” I snapped back.

“Here.”

He pushed the woman into my arms, then disappeared.

I stumbled, shocked, but when I recovered I found myself holding the unconscious woman gently.

Her bleeding hand was resting on my arm, and I could feel her pulse beating against my skin. A thin line of blood ran down her throat, and before I even realized what I was doing, I had licked it away.

I felt every pulse of her heart as if it was my own, and each beat was like fire being forced through my veins. I turned my head away, trying to capture some measure of control, but that simple move brought on a spell of dizziness.

I had not fed in days.

The thirst was so strong, and her blood seemed the sweetest I had ever taken. I let it roll across my tongue, savoring the taste, knowing I should not but unable to stop myself.

I heard a hoarse cry, and my head snapped up. I saw my father. There was no recognition in his gaze.

I dropped Katherine, forcing myself to let her go. I had not yet taken enough to harm her; she would survive.

I disappeared into the night.

CHAPTER 18

NOW

AFTER THAT NIGHT I fed well, never again allowing myself to reach the point where I could lose control. Aubrey had accomplished his goal, as always.

My anger at Aubrey turns into anger at myself. Then as now, he managed to use my emotions against me.

Why do you let him make you so upset? I ask myself. You know he does it intentionally. Why does it continue to bother you?

“Coward,” I say to myself. “That’s all you really are — a coward. You’ve worn that scar for three hundred years, and you’ve done nothing. You can’t even keep your temper long enough to think!”

I realize that despite everything I have said, I have still been clinging to some part of my humanity.

For three hundred years I have avoided him, refusing to fight. When I was human, I was controlled by my father and my church. Now Aubrey controls me, and I do not fight because I am afraid of the consequences. I might die, but that has never been my real fear. I fear that if I start the fight, it will be proof that I am the monster I have tried for so long to pretend I am not.

Who am I pretending for? Alexander used to be my faith. He clung to his morals even when he thought he might be damned, and I have tried to do the same. Why? Alexander is dead, and no one else cares.

So why bother? Why pretend? I ask myself. You have not been human for nearly three hundred years; stop acting as if you are.

What else do you have to lose?

I change out of my black