The Doctor [95]
cursed folly that wrecked everything! Wrecked Barney's life, Iola's, too, for all I know, and mine!"
"You must not say wrecked," replied Margaret.
"What other word is there? Wrecked and ruined. I know what you would say; but whatever the next life has for us, there is nothing left in this that can atone!"
"That, too, you must not say, Dick," said Margaret. "God has something yet for us. He always keeps for us better than He has given. The best is always before us. Besides," she continued eagerly, "He has given you all this work to do, this beautiful work."
The word recalled Dick. He sat up straight. "Yes, yes, I must not forget. I am not worthy to touch it. He gave me this chance to work. What else should I want? And after all, this is the best. I can't help the heart-hunger now and then, but God forbid I should ever say a word of anything but gratitude. I was down, down, far down out of sight. He pulled me up. Who am I to complain? But I am not complaining! It is not for myself. If there were only one word to know he was doing well, was safe!" He turned suddenly to Margaret with an almost fierce earnestness. "Margaret, do you think God will give me this?" His voice was hoarse with the intensity of his passion. "Do you know, I sometimes feel that I don't want Heaven without this. I never pray for anything else. Wealth, honour, fame, I once longed for these. But now these are nothing to me if only I knew Barney was right and safe and well. Yes, even my love for you, Margaret, the best thing, the truest thing next to my love of my Lord, I'd give up to know. But three years have gone since that awful night and not a word! It eats and eats and eats into me here," he smote himself hard over his heart, "till the actual physical pain is at times more than I can stand. What do you think, Margaret?" he continued, his face quivering piteously. "Every time I think of God I think of Barney. Every prayer I make I ask for Barney. I wake at night and it is Barney I am thinking of. Can I stand this long? Will I have to stand it long? Has God forgiven me? And when He forgives, does He take away the pain? Sometimes I wonder if there is anything in all this I preach!"
"Hush, Dick!" said Margaret, her voice broken with the grief she understood only too well. "Hush! You must not doubt God. God forgives and loves and grieves with our griefs. He will take away the pain as soon as He can. You must believe this and wait and trust. God will give him back to us. I feel it here." She laid her hand upon her heaving breast.
For some moments Dick was silent. "Perhaps so," he said at length. "For your sake He might. Yes, down in my heart I believe he will."
"Come," said Margaret, "let us go out into the open air, into God's sunlight. We shall feel better there. Come, Dick, let us go and see the Goat cavort." She took him by the arm and lifted him up. At the door she met Ben. "I won't be gone long, Ben," she explained.
"Stay as long as yeh like, Miss Margaret," replied Ben graciously. "An' the longer yeh stay the better fer the hinstitution."
"That's an extremely doubtful compliment," laughed Margaret, as they passed down the winding path that made its way through the tall red pines to the rocky bank of the Goat River. There on a broad ledge of rock that jutted out over the boiling water, Margaret seated herself with her back against the big red polished bole of a pine tree, while at her feet Dick threw himself, reclining against a huge pine root that threw great clinging arms here and there about the rocky ledges. It was a sweet May day. All the scents and sounds of spring filled up the fragrant spaces of the woods. Far up through the great feathering branches gleamed patches of blue sky. On every side stretched long aisles pillared with the clean red trunks of the pine trees wrought in network pattern. At their feet raged the Goat, foaming out his futile fury at the unmoved black rocks. Up the rocky sides from the water's edge, bravely clinging to nook and cranny, running
"You must not say wrecked," replied Margaret.
"What other word is there? Wrecked and ruined. I know what you would say; but whatever the next life has for us, there is nothing left in this that can atone!"
"That, too, you must not say, Dick," said Margaret. "God has something yet for us. He always keeps for us better than He has given. The best is always before us. Besides," she continued eagerly, "He has given you all this work to do, this beautiful work."
The word recalled Dick. He sat up straight. "Yes, yes, I must not forget. I am not worthy to touch it. He gave me this chance to work. What else should I want? And after all, this is the best. I can't help the heart-hunger now and then, but God forbid I should ever say a word of anything but gratitude. I was down, down, far down out of sight. He pulled me up. Who am I to complain? But I am not complaining! It is not for myself. If there were only one word to know he was doing well, was safe!" He turned suddenly to Margaret with an almost fierce earnestness. "Margaret, do you think God will give me this?" His voice was hoarse with the intensity of his passion. "Do you know, I sometimes feel that I don't want Heaven without this. I never pray for anything else. Wealth, honour, fame, I once longed for these. But now these are nothing to me if only I knew Barney was right and safe and well. Yes, even my love for you, Margaret, the best thing, the truest thing next to my love of my Lord, I'd give up to know. But three years have gone since that awful night and not a word! It eats and eats and eats into me here," he smote himself hard over his heart, "till the actual physical pain is at times more than I can stand. What do you think, Margaret?" he continued, his face quivering piteously. "Every time I think of God I think of Barney. Every prayer I make I ask for Barney. I wake at night and it is Barney I am thinking of. Can I stand this long? Will I have to stand it long? Has God forgiven me? And when He forgives, does He take away the pain? Sometimes I wonder if there is anything in all this I preach!"
"Hush, Dick!" said Margaret, her voice broken with the grief she understood only too well. "Hush! You must not doubt God. God forgives and loves and grieves with our griefs. He will take away the pain as soon as He can. You must believe this and wait and trust. God will give him back to us. I feel it here." She laid her hand upon her heaving breast.
For some moments Dick was silent. "Perhaps so," he said at length. "For your sake He might. Yes, down in my heart I believe he will."
"Come," said Margaret, "let us go out into the open air, into God's sunlight. We shall feel better there. Come, Dick, let us go and see the Goat cavort." She took him by the arm and lifted him up. At the door she met Ben. "I won't be gone long, Ben," she explained.
"Stay as long as yeh like, Miss Margaret," replied Ben graciously. "An' the longer yeh stay the better fer the hinstitution."
"That's an extremely doubtful compliment," laughed Margaret, as they passed down the winding path that made its way through the tall red pines to the rocky bank of the Goat River. There on a broad ledge of rock that jutted out over the boiling water, Margaret seated herself with her back against the big red polished bole of a pine tree, while at her feet Dick threw himself, reclining against a huge pine root that threw great clinging arms here and there about the rocky ledges. It was a sweet May day. All the scents and sounds of spring filled up the fragrant spaces of the woods. Far up through the great feathering branches gleamed patches of blue sky. On every side stretched long aisles pillared with the clean red trunks of the pine trees wrought in network pattern. At their feet raged the Goat, foaming out his futile fury at the unmoved black rocks. Up the rocky sides from the water's edge, bravely clinging to nook and cranny, running