The Dud Avocado - Elaine Dundy [101]
The Contessa shrugged. “Tout de même, je crois qu’elle se dope, n’est-ce pas?”
“Could be.”
So it wasn’t me. So who was it?
And here’s where the Greek Tragedy part comes in. For my question was answered, and answered before I had time to put the button hook on the question mark, by the arrival of Lila, the old, old flame of Larry, on the arm of Teddy, the old, old flame de moi.
Larry, frozen with consternation, glared at them with the horrified fascination of one upon whom an entire troupe of furies has chosen to descend at once. It was frightening to watch; I was made afraid just looking at him. Nor was I at all purged by my feelings of pity and terror. I was as deeply embroiled in it as he was. I don’t know quite what Lila is to Larry, but Teddy’s been my main tormentor. I see him stalking me through the ages, always at hand with some fresh fiendish plot.
Lila was drunk—or, if the doping part was true, she was high. In any case she was in a very strange condition. A sly crooked smile kept sliding across her face as she slithered over to our table.
“Hello, Larrybaby,” she purred. “I think we can skip all that fancy-meeting-you-here crap and get down to business, don’t you? Who’s having who these days—that’s what I want to know.” There was a dead silence. “Let’s see,” she went on, “now don’t tell me because I want to guess.” She turned to the rest of us. “I’m intuitive, you see. It’s one of my things.” She looked at us for a moment. “Oh it’s really too easy,” she said, pointing her finger at Missy. “It’s that one of course. The big blonde. The other one’s a bit—umm—squirrelly,” she added. That was me. She indicated Missy again. “That’s the one all right, isn’t it, Larry? Do you think she’ll make a good model? Who knows, perhaps she is one already. Saves you trouble. Not me any more, though. I’m just not cut out for it. And I tried, Larrybaby, I really tried. You know what I think? I think I’m just cut out for you. Now what about you, darling,” she said directly to Missy, sitting down and leaning forward intimately. “You can level with me, honey, after all, we’re practically related. Come on now—are you a model?”
Missy was magnificent. Cool and unruffled, and in her iciest tones, she said, “How dare you sit down at this table without being invited?” I’d never heard a Southern drawl come out so imperiously.
Lila looked at her with a pleased smile of someone who’s been spoiling for a fight for a long time and has at last come up against something solid.
“Oh I’ve got an invitation all right. I’ve got a permanent invitation to Master Keevil’s table, haven’t I, Larry? Go on, tell her about it.” Larry remained frozen. “O.K.,” said Lila lightly, and rose. “I wouldn’t dream of sitting down without being invited. I’ll tell you what, I’ll invite your Mr. Keevil to come and sit with me. You watch now, honey. He’ll come too. You see if he doesn’t, My, my, you’ve got a lot to learn,” she flung over her shoulder.
We all sat there stupefied, as Larry stumbled to his feet like a sleepwalker and followed her.
Teddy was hissing in my ear, “Quick, I must talk with you privately. It is of the utmost importance.” Utterly dazed by it all, I let him steer me through the crowd to a corner table.
“Sally Jay,” he began. “Please listen to what I am about to tell you. I don’t know how far your affair with this Keevil has gone, but I do seriously believe you to be in very grave danger.” He held up his hand to prevent me from interrupting. “I know what you’re going to say—I know you have no reason to trust me, no reason at all.…”
“What the hell’s the idea of hounding me like this?” I said, finally recovering my voice. “You listen to me. Stay out of my way! I mean that. If you ever try to get near me again, I’ll send for the police!”
“You hate me. Very well. You have every right to. That dinner party I gave for you—the way I plotted and planned it— that was not a nice thing to do. I am not proud of it. But don’t forget that my little ruse would not have succeeded if your friend Larry had not decided to prefer—for