The Eden Express_ A Memoir of Insanity - Mark Vonnegut [102]
“Every time I say something like that you get this unbelievable look of horror. How could I possibly be digging this? Like you’re afraid I’m going to drag you into it. What would it take for me not to dig something? Well, I’ll admit this is hell. I mean, if I was going to try to really do the worst possible thing I could do to someone, this would be it. Whoever set this up is some sort of a genius. But maybe that’s what I dig about it. This is awful, the worst thing I could imagine and it’s happened. I’ve taken whoever the fuck is against us’s worst punch and I still chuckle a bit about this and that. Isn’t that good news?”
MIRACLE. In the morning the trees were green again. Somehow the destruction had been reversed, the earth reprieved. There was still time.
“Joe and Mary, quick! Pack your stuff, grab your kid. Get in your bus and split. Get to wherever you want to get to quick.” I was so happy. Maybe everyone could make it to wherever home was for them. Or maybe just enough time to say “Good-by, I loved you” to a few more people.
“I’m going to step outside, check the weather, get a little fresh air.” They looked at me as if opening the door would let death inside. Mary had been so adamant about my not opening the door the night before.
“Are you sure you want to do that, Mark?”
“Yes, my God, yes. Do you think that if there’s a prayer of getting out of here I’m going to pass it up? How long will this break last?”
No one had the energy to stop me. I opened the door. It was still raining pretty hard but the wind had calmed. I breathed shallowly, just tasting it to make sure it wasn’t death. The world smelled like it was still alive. “See, I can breathe, nothing bad happening.” They looked at me worriedly.
“We can make it, don’t be so afraid. Come on, get with it. Wake up! This is our chance.”
They just kept looking at me. “What about your physical, Mark?”
“My physical?” How could anybody think that was relevant to anything? I had a hard enough time taking that shit seriously before the apocalypse, shit storms, and eternal truths. “My physical?”
“We very much want you to pass.” Why was it so important to them that I pass? It didn’t mean diddly to me. Their tone of voice seemed to say that if I took my physical I’d flunk.
“Are you going to tell them about your crackup or not?”
Questions, questions, questions. “I really haven’t figured it out.”
“Well, Mark, you know it’s only physical,” Kathy said very meaningfully. The whole sex thing came tumbling down about my head. Why did it have to be Kathy who said that? Like she knew that I knew that she knew that everyone knew the whole thing was sex? Why did she have to look so beautiful? Why hadn’t we made love the night before?
Joe and Mary talked about some nice doctor who had taken care of something for them. Said he was an awfully nice guy and that he’d probably be willing to help out. I guess they made a phone call. Anyway, they had it all arranged for me to see him later that same morning.
“You want some coffee?”
“No, thanks, why don’t we set out now? I mean, just in case the car breaks down or something. We can have coffee at the marina with Bea. That would be nice. I really want to make sure I don’t fuck up this appointment. Let’s get moving.”
Joe drove. I sat in the front passenger seat. Kathy and Mary were in the back. The bus started. Thank God, thank German mechanics, we’re going to make it. Hot shit, I’m not going to die in this shit hole. Gush bump gurgle slop, the bus worked its way up the dirt