The Eden Express_ A Memoir of Insanity - Mark Vonnegut [60]
That’s what all the rushes of fear and pain were. Just getting free of the shit. Nothing but nothing is going to turn me around. Pain? Fear? Fuck ’em, this shit has got to go. I’ve seen heaven and nothing’s gonna turn me around. What is it that wants to turn me around and make me crawl back into believing all the sham about pain being unavoidable, utopia impossible? I’m a freight train, baby, don’t give me no side track, no. I want your main line, baby. Climb aboard the Eden Express. This train, this train is comin’ through. THIS TRAIN IS BOUND FOR GLORY.
It was mostly out of politeness I had held off for so long. Not wanting to make other people feel lonely, not wanting to have people look at me funny. I had been convinced that something like the Eden Express existed for some time.
I stopped being polite because the things that had predicated my politeness were simply no longer true. Time was the big thing. We were out of time.
DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT. Thank God I screamed. I came within an ace of waiting too long but at the last moment I got my shit together and came through in the clutch. What would have happened had I not screamed out I wasn’t sure. It would have been the death of something. Maybe just the end of me and a few friends, but maybe the end of the world or worse. But I did scream. I didn’t go gentle into that black night, blackly into that good night, or goodly into that gentle night.
“STOP—FREEZE—NOBODY MOVE A MUSCLE. IT’S HAPPENING!” I reached out and grabbed Simon’s arm. My eyes were closed. I was in a cold sweat. “DON’T ASK ME HOW I KNOW. THERE ISN’T TIME. JUST DO AS I SAY. I KNOW. THE RAIN HAS STOPPED.” It was only fair to give out a few clues, enough so that they would know that I knew and do what I said. The rain’s stopping definitely had something to do with it.
It might seem strange to tell a roomful of sleeping people to not move a muscle, especially a roomful of sleeping people you didn’t know. But it made sense. It made more sense than anything else in my life ever had. It wasn’t a night like any other night, or sleep like any other sleep.
Maybe there’s not really anything extraordinary going on at all, but then again maybe these feelings are right. In any event, it’s best to cover all the bets. If nothing’s going on, someone will correct me.
There was nothing to lose by acting and possibly a great deal to lose by not acting. So I acted.
“It’s all right, Mark, we’re all here. Everything is going to be fine now.” I felt my hand being squeezed comfortingly and became aware that I was holding on to someone very hard. It wasn’t Simon’s voice or Simon’s hand. It was Gary Jackson.
“And Mark?” Asking about my namesake.
“Mark’s just fine. Don’t worry about it.” I felt tears of joy running down my face. My eyes were still closed. I was afraid opening them might wreck the magic of the moment. The danger was past, the nightmare over. That Gary was supposed to be in Morocco didn’t bother me much. Stranger things had happened in the past few days.
“Boy, it sure got tense there toward the end,” I sighed, loosening up a little. “I really got pretty worried.
“And Jessie? Joe? Genie? Tom? Bets? Bea…?” Asking about people from various periods of life.
“Yes, we’re all here. Everybody’s fine. Don’t worry about it, just take it easy, Mark. Everything’s going to be fine.”
“And Virginia? I want to see Virge. Where’s Virginia?” My eyes were still closed. I loved the idea of being in this warm comfy womb with all my friends, everyone I had ever loved. I was going to get to hold and touch and talk to them all in this new wonderful world. I wanted to start with Virginia.