The Eden Express_ A Memoir of Insanity - Mark Vonnegut [79]
Three days after my commitment, Virginia showed up at the Stevens Street place, all refreshed, full of adventures, new insights and hopes.
“We’ve got some bad news, Virge. Mark’s in the hospital.”
She didn’t think even for a minute that maybe I had had an accident. She knew immediately what kind of hospital I was in. My parents and lots of my friends showed a similar lack of surprise. It seems that they all felt I was crazy, but also felt that I had worked out such good ways of dealing with it that I had effectively turned a sow’s ear into a purse. They all hoped I’d be able to keep it up, but feared it just wasn’t possible. It also seems that these feelings depressed the hell out of everyone who cared about me because no one could think of any way to intervene.
I found all this out later and it was very much news to me. I thought that everyone thought I was strong as an ox. I myself didn’t think I’d ever really crack, especially after finding the farm. But as it turned out the only one who was surprised about my going nuts was myself.
“You’re in a mental hospital, Mr. Vonnegut.”
“That’s ridiculous. I’ve already beat the draft.”
Simon and Virginia came to visit me every day, but they weren’t allowed to stay very long. I remember the first time I saw them coming down that long, long corridor and the doors were opening like magic and they seemed to be gliding on clouds more than walking. They were gods. All I had for clothes was a sheet draped around me as best I could. The three of us would sit holding hands, creating a conspiracy of warmth and sense against the cold senselessness all around us. They’d very patiently answer my questions. I wanted to know what the hell had happened and was everyone all right, and why couldn’t they take me home with them, and where was I really, and could I see Luke again, and how was Zeke, and and…
It was all very fuzzy, a little more solid than my hallucinations but not much. Little by little it sank in that I had gone crazy, but especially during their early visits I was pretty sure that the mental hospital bit was just a cover for something much bigger. I felt very much like a hero. I was in pretty wretched shape but it wasn’t for nothing. Because of my efforts countless lives had been saved or ecological disaster averted or a new consciousness had come into the world or or…
My father visited me two days after committing me, but they wouldn’t let me out of the seclusion room. I remember vaguely realizing he was there and trying to get to the door to talk with him through the little hole, but I kept fainting every time I tried to stand up. He pushed Bruno Bettelheim’s Children of the Dream through the hole.
I spent seven days in that windowless everythingless room, and then they left the door unlocked some, let Simon and Virginia stay longer, gave me some pajamas, and moved me into an unlocked room in a locked ward.
THE DOC. Virginia and Simon had told me that Dr. Dale was my doctor. I have a fuzzy recollection of walking up to some doctor-looking person and being totally absorbed by his gold tie clip. I suspected it was the button to end the world so I didn’t touch it. I’m pretty sure it was Dr. Dale. I don’t know who else could be so tasteless as to walk around a mental hospital wearing the button to end the world.
The first meeting I really remember with the good doctor was when I was starting to be able to speak English again and making a brave attempt to regain some of my dignity. Trying to be very sane, I went up to him and asked if he was my doctor. He said he didn’t think so.
“You’re Dr. Dale, aren’t you?”
“Why, Mark, of course. I didn’t recognize you with clothes on.” He had a talent for saying the right thing.
I often