The Eden Express_ A Memoir of Insanity - Mark Vonnegut [92]
Sex had never been very carefree or playful between Virginia and me. The events of the past two and half months were hardly calculated to improve matters. Getting back together was tentative and gingerly. We were two very scared china dolls. Sex had less than ever to do with biological desire and was more than ever a garble of symbolic proofs and deeper needs. It was a desperately important hurdle.
There was so much to say that neither of us said anything. The first couple of nights we just rubbed and clumsily hugged each other, pulling back every five minutes or so and looking into each other’s scared, pleading eyes trying to figure out what if anything was understood between us.
We finally made love. Considering what we had been through, having any kind of sex was plenty ambitious, but at the same time having been through all that shit somehow raised the ante. For it to have been good it had to be much better than it had been, and it wasn’t. In fact it seemed that nothing had changed at all.
Somehow ten days went by and it was time for me to go into town and take my immigration physical. Everyone else had gotten theirs out of the way while I was in the hospital. I had set up an appointment at the Powell River clinic by phone just before we came up. Kathy, having set a record of two months straight on the farm, decided to come with me.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” Simon asked. “No, I’ll be fine.” Was he worried that I’d crack up again? Did he think he could do something about it if I did? Virginia asked me the same thing. I responded the same way and had the same reflections. Had Dr. Dale told them something he hadn’t told me? Did they have special instructions on how to handle me?
In midafternoon we all tromped down to the lake, list in hand, a couple of bags of laundry, letters to be sent, library books to be returned. We’d be back the next day, the day after at the most. From the big deal and all the ceremony at the lake, you wouldn’t have thought it was such a routine trip. It made me a little nervous, as if there was something I wasn’t being let in on. Simon, Virginia, Zeke, Nick, Nootka, Tanga, everyone came down to the lake. Much hugging and excited chatter. Nick had carried the laundry bags down and threw them to me and I caught that look in his eyes again, like there was some special understanding between us. I had a job to do? I wasn’t supposed to come back? He would take care of the farm and I would take care of the rest of the world? Nice try, old man, good game, or something? I looked back knowingly. I didn’t have the faintest idea of what his look meant, but I could fake it.
Good-by, good-by. You’ve all been swell. I swallowed the lump in my throat and the tears in my eyes. I’ll be back, don’t worry. Sleep tight. What bad can happen?
Mark at the helm again. The loader of the boat, the starter of the engine, the regulator of the engine, the navigator, captain in charge of comfort, safety, and peace of mind of my passengers.
Thank God for chores. Something with a beginning and an end. Get the boat and Kathy safely to town. The lake was fairly rough, but she seemed to believe in me completely.
I was into the boat and the waves. Riding them very carefully. Adjusting speed and angles constantly, getting the most out of every crest. It really felt like magic. At the marina, Kathy said that it had been the most enjoyable, worry-free trip she had ever had down the lake.
I started breathing much easier. I was a good captain. I had something to give. I felt a slight giddiness about the whole thing.
Most people who end up in a nut house stay there. People as crazy as I was aren’t supposed to get well. Mostly if they do they’re cripples one way or another forever. Mostly they never regain joy or competence or the trust of those around them. Here I am. Free. Beautiful and energetic. Returned from the dead and on my way to