The English Patient - Michael Ondaatje [15]
He said nothing, unable even to turn his head towards her, but his fingers slipped into her white hand, and when she bent forward to him he put his dark fingers into her hair and felt it cool within the valley of his fingers.
How old are you?
Twenty.
There was a duke, he said, who when he was dying wanted to be carried halfway up the tower in Pisa so he could die looking out into the middle distance.
A friend of my father’s wanted to die while Shanghai-dancing. I don’t know what it is. He had just heard of it himself.
What does your father do?
He is … he is in the war.
You’re in the war too.
She does not know anything about him. Even after a month or so of caring for him and allotting him the needles of morphine. There was shyness at first within both of them, made more evident by the fact that they were now alone. Then it was suddenly overcome. The patients and doctors and nurses and equipment and sheets and towels – all went back down the hill into Florence and then to Pisa. She had salted away codeine tablets, as well as the morphine. She watched the departures, the line of trucks. Good-bye, then. She waved from his window, bringing the shutters to a close.
Behind the villa a rock wall rose higher than the house. To the west of the building was a long enclosed garden, and twenty miles away was the carpet of the city of Florence, which often disappeared under the mist of the valley. Rumour had it one of the generals living in the old Medici villa next door had eaten a nightingale.
The Villa San Girolamo, built to protect inhabitants from the flesh of the devil, had the look of a besieged fortress, the limbs of most of the statues blown off during the first days of shelling. There seemed little demarcation between house and landscape, between damaged building and the burned and shelled remnants of the earth. To Hana the wild gardens were like further rooms. She worked along the edges of them aware always of un-exploded mines. In one soil-rich area beside the house she began to garden with a furious passion that could come only to someone who had grown up in a city. In spite of the burned earth, in spite of the lack of water. Someday there would be a bower of limes, rooms of green light. Caravaggio came into the kitchen to find Hana sitting hunched over the table. He could not see her face or her arms tucked in under her body, only the naked back, the bare shoulders.
She was not still or asleep. With each shudder her head shook over the table.
Caravaggio stood there. Those who weep lose more energy than they lose during any other act. It was not yet dawn. Her face against the darkness of the table wood.
‘Hana,’ he said, and she stilled herself as if she could be camouflaged by stillness.
‘Hana.’
She began to moan so the sound would be a barrier between them, a river across which she could not be reached.
He was uncertain at first about touching her in her nakedness, said ‘Hana,’ and then lay his bandaged hand on her shoulder. She did not stop shaking. The deepest sorrow, he thought. Where the only way to survive is to excavate everything.
She raised herself, her head down still, then stood up against him as if dragging herself away from the magnet of the table.
‘Don’t touch me if you’re going to try and fuck me.’
The skin pale above her skirt, which was all she wore in this kitchen, as if she had risen from the bed, dressed partially and come out here, the cool air from the hills entering the kitchen doorway and cloaking her.
Her face was red and wet.
‘Hana.’
‘Do you understand?’
‘Why do you adore him so much?’
‘I love him.’
‘You don’t love him, you adore him.’
‘Go away, Caravaggio. Please.’
‘You’ve tied yourself to a corpse for some reason.’
‘He is a saint. I think. A despairing saint. Are there such things? Our desire is to protect them.’
‘He doesn’t even care!’
‘I can love him.’
‘A twenty-year-old who throws herself out of the world to love a ghost!’
Caravaggio paused. ‘You have to protect yourself from sadness. Sadness is very close to hate.