The Enterprise of Death - Jesse Bullington [166]
“I only ever loved you,” said Awa. “I was scared I would lose you if, if you knew about me, about what I am. No one understands —”
“No one understands if you don’t give them the chance,” said Chloé.
The two women were quiet for a long time, the silent corpse of Merritt looming behind Awa. Finally Awa could bear it no longer and blurted out, “So what about us? I saved you, and I made some mistakes, sure, but—”
“You killed him!” Chloé’s voice cracked. “You killed him, Awa, and for what? Because he was scared of you? Because he tried to run away instead of doing what you said? God’s fucking wounds, Awa, you murdered him like I’d swat a flea, and even hearing what he meant to me you’ve got no more remorse!”
“He was an asshole, he was always—”
“No,” said Chloé firmly. “I can’t. It’s over.”
“What?” Awa could hardly believe it. “Because I killed that piece of shit you’re leaving me?”
“Yes!” Chloé cried. “Yes! I love you, I do, and we both know I mean it. But I can’t be with someone who could do that to another person, just, just end them like that, and not even say you’re sorry! You’re not, are you?! You’re not sorry at all!”
“No.” Awa felt cold and sick.
“He was—” “He was alive, and you killed him because he pissed you off. How can I know you won’t do the same thing to me?”
“I wouldn’t!” Awa cried. “Never! I brought you back, I had them bring you back!”
“And that’s something I’ll have to work out on my own,” said Chloé. “I didn’t bring it up, I, I knew you’d be hurt enough, but really, Awa, what the fuck? I’m a monster! They, they say I need to drink blood, to hide underground, to hide from the sun! What the fuck, Awa? You didn’t give him a choice, and you didn’t give me one, either.”
“If you don’t like it dying’s easy enough for all of us,” said Awa, and instantly wished she had not.
“I forgot, didn’t I? Life and death’s like hooding a lantern to you.” Chloé was crying. “I don’t want to see you anymore, Awa. I want you to leave me alone.”
“You’re fucking welcome!” Awa almost screamed at her. “For everything! Sorry I took a fucking interest!”
“I’m not,” Chloé sniffled. “Even now, I’m not. I love you, Awa, and I always will. But not like before. Never like that. Before, if I were still … alive, I might be able to convince myself, you might be able to convince me … but no. I’m wiser now, much wiser from what they did to me, somehow, and I’m smart enough to see now that I would never be able to trust you again, to really forgive you. I can’t lie to myself any more than I can lie to you—we’re over.”
Awa was trembling and took a step toward Chloé. The girl took a step back. Then it finally sank in—Chloé was genuinely afraid of her. Awa crumbled, and then Chloé did go to her, and held her, and they talked in quiet voices until just before dawn. Then Chloé kissed Awa’s cheek and, with the wisdom of the dead, left her to sort through her pain alone.
Alone, as if she had been anything but. No words could capture the sorrow Awa felt, and why would they wish to? The two corpses approached their mistress, picking up on her unspoken desires, and she lay limp in their arms as they began carrying her back to the ruins of the Inquisitor’s manse. Better for her to have died there in that house along with Chloé than to live and suffer so.
As dawn made what headway it could in the shadowy forest, Awa tried to focus on the necromancer and her curse, on the epiphany that had struck her in Carandini’s chambers, but her mind kept masochistically returning to Chloé. Light was skulking through the trees as the two corpses stopped at the edge of the clearing beside the ruins of Kahlert’s manse. Awa clambered down from their