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By Root 2430 0

stuck in the plastic sleeves of his scrapbook. They were lovely noses all, beautiful noses. But what I wanted was something a little different from these noses. For one thing, they were all women’s noses. For another, all of these operations were shrinkings or reshapings of noses: DaSilva shortened bones, smoothed out bumpy bridges, narrowed flaring nostrils, turned the downturned up, sharpened bulbous tips, etc. I suppose rhinoplasticians are generally in the business of the reduction—rather than the augmentation—of the schnoz. This, among other things, is what made the surgery I wanted a rather unorthodox one. Usually it is the surgeon’s job to break that delicate little bone in the bridge of the nose, remove the cartilage deemed unsightly and re-form the thing in closer accordance with our standards of beauty. But what Bruno desired was the opposite procedure: what I desired was practically the creation of a nose. I wanted a big, aggressive, human-looking nose to protrude from the middle of my chimp face.

Dr. DaSilva folded the book shut and stored it under his desk, then produced a sketchpad and a pencil, and asked me to turn my head so that he saw my profile. I did, and he trained his desk lamp on me. I winced.

“Sorry,” he said. “Please be still for a moment.”

I stared straight ahead and listened to the pencil scratching on the paper. When he was done, he showed me the quick sketch that he had drawn of me. It looked like this:

Dr. DaSilva was evidently a skilled draftsman. I agreed this was an accurate rendering of my profile. Dr. DaSilva flipped a sheet of transparency paper over this drawing, and sketched out a prospective nose on top of it. When finished, he showed me the result:

“Yes!” I shouted. “That’s it! That’s the nose I want!”

I forgot myself—I was hopping up and down madly in my seat, and Dr. DaSilva sharply hushed me. I slapped my hands over my mouth such that I resembled the third and final of the Three Wise Monkeys, and, when I was sure no more yelps of irrepressible joy would escape me, I lowered my quivering fingers. The image Dr. DaSilva had rendered drove me to the brink of tears. He understood precisely the nose that I desired. The nose that would make me a man. Dr. DaSilva also offered to trim my ears into a more human size and shape, but I declined. I’ve always liked my ears. It was only the nose I was after.

The price he named was one thousand dollars. I blanched when I heard the figure. By exhorting his pity—pleading that I was but a poor Shakespearean actor, that it might take me months to scrabble together so much capital—I was able to talk him down to nine hundred, but he would not drop a dime lower. Such a price, he said, was charity enough considering how unusual and difficult this procedure would be. Now, at this time, I had sixty-seven dollars and ninety-one cents to my name. It was all stuffed in my piggy bank at Leon’s place. My heart sank as I wondered how many months of scrimping and saving it would take me, how many corners cut, how many frivolities forgone, how many months of monastically abstemious living it would take me to save up so much money. Audrey agreed to lend me two hundred dollars right away, with no interest. Leon was still skeptical.

“I see no reason why you should want to gravitate that delightfully comic face of yours, Bruno. That face is what will make your fortune.”

“Fine then. If it’ll make me a fortune, then I’ll use my face to make my fortune, and I’ll use my fortune to make my face!”

“Pshaw!”

“Don’t worry, Bruno,” said Audrey. “You’ll probably still look like a freak.”

“Thank you,” I said bitterly.

“Bah,” said Leon. “Weep not, ape. We tease because we love.”

How—how to get the money? This financial question now took over the obsessive place in my mind that had been previously occupied by the nasal question. How to get the money. How to get the money. The obnoxious refrain “How to get the money” moved into my waking consciousness, took a seat, kicked off its shoes, and sat there for days and weeks, driving me insane. Where in the world would