The Eyre Affair_ A Novel - Jasper Fforde [139]
Lost in a Good Book
A Penguin Book / published by arrangement with the author
All rights reserved.
Copyright © 2002 by Jasper Fforde
This book may not be reproduced in whole or part, by mimeograph or any other means, without permission. Making or distributing electronic copies of this book constitutes copyright infringement and could subject the infringer to criminal and civil liability.
For information address:
The Berkley Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Putnam Inc.,
375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.
ISBN: 978-1-1011-5811-1
A PENGUIN BOOK®
Penguin Books first published by The Penguin Publishing Group, a member of Penguin Putnam Inc.,
375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.
PENGUIN and the “Penguin” design are trademarks belonging to Penguin Putnam Inc.
Electronic edition: July, 2004
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Contents
1. The Adrian Lush Show
2. The Special Operations Network
3. Cardenio Unbound
4. Five Coincidences, Seven Irma Cohens and One Confused Neanderthal
5. Vanishing Hitchhikers
4a. Five Coincidences, Seven Irma Cohens and One Confused Thursday Next
6. Family
7. White Horse, Uffington, Picnics, for the Use of
8. Mr. Stiggins and SO-1
9. The More Things Stay the Same
10. A Lack of Differences
11. Granny Next
12. At Home with My Memories
14. The Gravitube
15. Curiouser & Curiouser in Osaka
16. Interview with the Cat
17. Miss Havisham
18. The Trial of Fräulein N
19. Bargain Books
20. Yorrick Kaine
21. Les Artes Modernes de Swindon ’85
22. Travels with My Father
23. Fun with Spike
24. Performance-Related Pay, Miles Hawke & Norland Park
25. Roll Call at Jurisfiction
26. Assignment One: Bloophole Filled in Great Expectations
27. Landen and Joffy Again
28. “The Raven”
29. Rescued
30. CardenioRebound
31. Dream Topping
32. The End of Life as We Know It
33. The Dawn of Life as We Know It
34. The Well of Lost Plots
1.
The Adrian Lush Show
Sample viewing figures for major TV networks in England, September 1985
NETWORK TOAD
The Adrian Lush Show (Wednesday) (Chat show) 16,428,316
The Adrian Lush Show (Monday) (Chat show) 16,034,921
Bonzo the Wonder Hound (Canine thriller) 15,975,462
MOLETV
Name That Fruit! (Answer questions for cash prizes) 15,320,340
65 Walrus Street (Soap opera; Episode 3,352) 14,315,902
Dangerously Dysfunctional People Argue Live on TV (Chat show) 11,065,611
OWLVISION
Will Marlowe or Kit Shakespeare? (Literary quiz show) 13,591,203
One More Chance to See! (Reverse extinction show) 2,321,820
GOLIATH CABLE CHANNEL (1 TO 32)
Whose Lie Is It Anyway? (Corporate comedy quiz show) 428
Cots to Coffins: Goliath. All you'll ever need. (Docuganda) 9 (disputed)
NEANDERTHAL CABLE NETWORK 4
Powertool Club Live (Routers and power planers edition) 9,032
Jackanory Gold ( Jane Eyre edition) 7,219
WARWICK FRIDGE,
The Ratings War
IDIDN’T ASK to be a celebrity. I never wanted to appear on The Adrian Lush Show. And let’s get one thing straight right now—the world would have to be hurtling toward imminent destruction before I’d agree to anything as dopey as The Thursday Next Workout Video.
The publicity surrounding the successful rebookment of Jane Eyre was fun to begin with but rapidly grew wearisome. I happily posed for photocalls, agreed to newspaper interviews, hesitantly appeared on Desert Island Smells and was thankfully excused the embarrassment of Celebrity Name That Fruit. The public, ever fascinated by celebrity, had wanted to know everything about me following my excursion within the pages of Jane Eyre, and since the Special Operations Network have a PR record on par with that of Vlad the Impaler, the Top Brass thought it would be a good wheeze to use me to boost their flagging popularity. I dutifully toured all points