The Eyre Affair_ A Novel - Jasper Fforde [397]
“Isn’t Perkins my investigation?” asked Bradshaw.
“My apologies,” replied Tweed, “I will give you a full copy of my report.”
He stopped and sat down.
“I hate to say this,” began the Bellman sadly, “but it seems as though we have underestimated Deane. Until I am shown otherwise, I have no choice but to declare him a PageRunner. He is to be arrested on sight—and exercise extreme caution. If he has killed twice, he will not hesitate to kill again.”
We exchanged anxious glances. Being declared a PageRunner was serious—few were captured alive.
“Item four,” continued the Bellman. “The Minotaur. We’ve got an APB out on him at present, but until he turns up or does something stupid, we won’t know where he is. There was a report he had crossed over into nonfiction, which I would love to believe. Until we know otherwise, everyone should keep a good lookout.”
He consulted his clipboard again.
“Item five. The 923rd Annual BookWorld Awards. Because we are launching UltraWord™ at the same time, all serving members of the BookWorld have been invited. Obviously we can’t leave books unmanned, so skeleton staff will be left in charge. The venue will be the Starlight Room again, although with a displacement field technology we’ve borrowed from the SF boys so everyone can attend. This will mean extra security and I have allocated Falstaff to look after it. Any questions?”
There weren’t, so he moved on.
“Item six. Thursday Next has been made a probationary Jurisfiction member. Where are you?”
I put up my hand.
“Good. Let me be the first to welcome you to the service—and not before time; we need all the extra hands we can get. Ladies and gentlemen, Thursday Next!”
I smiled modestly as there was a round of applause; the people nearest me patted me on the arm.
“Well done!” said Tweed, who was close by, grinning.
“Miss Next will be afforded full rights and privileges, although she will remain under Miss Havisham’s watchful eye for twenty chapters or a year, whichever be the longer. Will you take her up to the Council of Genres and have her sworn in?”
“Happily,” replied Miss Havisham.
“Good. Item seven. The had had and that that problem. Lady Cavendish, weren’t you working on this?”
Lady Cavendish stood up and gathered her thoughts. “Indeed. The uses of had had and that that have to be strictly controlled; they can interrupt the imaginotransference quite dramatically, causing readers to go back over the sentence in confusion, something we try to avoid.”
“Go on.”
“It’s mostly an unlicensed-usage problem. At the last count David Copperfield alone had had had had sixty-three times, all but ten unapproved. Pilgrim’s Progress may also be a problem due to its had had/that that ratio.”
“So what’s the problem in Progress?”
“That that had that that ten times but had had had had only thrice. Increased had had usage had had to be overlooked, but not if the number exceeds that that that usage.”
“Hmm,” said the Bellman, “I thought had had had had TGC’s approval for use in Dickens? What’s the problem?”
“Take the first had had and that that in the book by way of example,” explained Lady Cavendish. “You would have thought that that first had had had had good occasion to be seen as had, had you not? Had had had approval but had had had not; equally it is true to say that that that that had had approval but that that other that that had not.”
“So the problem with that other that that was that . . . ?”
“That that other-other that that had had approval.”
“Okay,” said the Bellman, whose head was in danger of falling apart like a chocolate orange, “let me get this straight: David Copperfield, unlike Pilgrim’s Progress, had had had, had had had had. Had had had had TGC’s approval?”
There was a