The Eyre Affair_ A Novel - Jasper Fforde [417]
“I’m sorry, I was thinking of something the three witches told me.”
“Charlatans! And worse—the competition.”
“Sorry. What do you know of the thrice-read rule?”
“Is this a professional consultation?” he asked, sitting back and twiddling his thumbs.
“Staff freebie?” I asked hopefully.
Solomon laughed. “Never heard of any thrice-read rule. Now, you can do me a favor: if you see the three witches again, try and pinch their mailing list. In the meantime, can we have the next customer?”
I ushered them in. It was several characters from Wuthering Heights and they were all glaring at one another so much they didn’t even recognize me. Heathcliff was wearing dark glasses and saying nothing; he was accompanied by his agent and a lawyer.
“Proceed!”
“Wuthering Heights first-person narrative dispute,” said the lawyer, placing a sheet of paper on the table.
“Let me see,” said Kenneth slowly, studying the report. “Mr. Lockwood, Catherine Earnshaw, Heathcliff, Nelly Dean, Isabella and Catherine Linton. Are you all here?”
They nodded their heads. Heathcliff looked over his sunglasses at me and winked.
“Well,” murmured Kenneth at length, “you all believe that you should have the first-person narrative, is that it?”
“No, Your Worshipfulness,” said Nelly Dean, “ ’tis the otherways. None of us want it. It’s a curse to any honest Generic—and some not so honest.”
“Hold your tongue, serving girl!” yelled Heathcliff.
“Murderer!”
“Say that again!”
“You heard me!”
And they all started to yell at one another until Kenneth banged his gavel on the desk and they were all instantly quiet. The Judgment of Solomon was the last form of arbitration; there was no appeal from here and they all knew it.
“It is The Judgment of Solomon that . . . you should all have the first-person narrative.”
“What?!” yelled Mr. Lockwood. “What kind of loopy idea is that? How can we all be the first person?”
“It is fair and just,” replied Kenneth, placing his fingertips together and staring at them all serenely.
“What will we do?” asked Catherine sarcastically. “Talk at the same time?”
“No,” replied Kenneth. “Mr. Lockwood, you will introduce the story, and you, Nelly, will tell the major part of it in deep retrospection; the others will have your say in the following ratios.”
Kenneth scribbled on the back of an envelope, signed it and handed it over. They all grumbled for a bit, Nelly Dean the most.
“Mrs. Dean,” said Kenneth, “you are, for better or worse, the single linking factor for all the families. Consider yourself lucky I did not give the whole book to you. It is The Judgment of Solomon—now go!”
And they all filed out, Nelly complaining bitterly while Heathcliff strode ahead, ignoring all the others.
“That was quite good,” I said as soon as they had left.
“Do you think so?” asked Kenneth, genuinely pleased by my praise. “Judgmenting is not for everyone, but I quite like it. The trick is to be scrupulously fair and just—you could do with a few Solomon franchises in the Outland. Tell me, do you think Lola will be going to the Bookie Awards next week?”
“You know Lola?”
“Let’s just say I have made her acquaintance in the course of my duties.”
“I’m sure she’ll be there—on the chicklit table, I should imagine—she’s starring in Girls Make All the Moves.”
“Is she really?” he said slowly. “Who’s next?”
“I don’t know; it depends on the choice available. Sometimes she goes through them alphabetically, other times in order of height.”
“Not Lola, next for me.”
“Sorry,” I said, flushing slightly, “I’ll go and get them.”
It was Emperor Zhark. He seemed surprised to see me and told me what a great agent Miss Havisham had been. I walked him in, and he and Kenneth both stopped when they saw each other. They had clearly met before—but not for some time.
“Zhark!” cried Kenneth, walking around to the front of the desk and offering the emperor a Havana cigar. “You old troublemaker! Haven’t seen you for ages! What are you up to?”
“Tyrannical ruler of the known galaxy,” he replied modestly.
“Get away! Old ‘Slippery Zharky,’ the class sneak of form 5C at