The Eyre Affair_ A Novel - Jasper Fforde [515]
“Emperor,” I said, “if a character has run its course, then it’s run its course. What do you want me to do? Go and talk the author out of it?”
“Would you?” replied Zhark, opening his eyes wide. “Would you really do that?”
“No. You can’t have characters trying to tell their authors what to write in their books. Besides, within your books you are truly evil and need to be punished.”
Zhark pulled himself up to his full height. “I see,” he said at length. “Well, I might decide to take drastic action if you don’t at least attempt to persuade Mr. Paige. And besides, I’m not really evil—I’m just written that way.”
“If I hear any more of this nonsense,” I replied, beginning to get annoyed, “I will have you placed under book arrest and charged with incitement to mutiny for what you’ve just told me.”
“Oh, crumbs,” he said, suddenly deflated. “You can, can’t you?”
“I can. I won’t because I can’t be bothered, but if I hear anything more about this, I will take steps—do you understand?”
“Yes,” replied Zhark meekly and, without another word, vanished.
19.
Cloned Will Hunting
Opposition Leader Mildly Criticizes Kaine
Opposition leader Mr. Redmond van de Poste lightly attacked Yorrick Kaine’s government yesterday over the possible failure to adequately address the nation’s economic woes. Mr. van de Poste suggested that the Danish were “no more guilty of attacking this country than the Swedes” and then went on to question Kaine’s independence due to his close sponsorship ties with the Goliath Corporation. In reply Chancellor Kaine thanked van de Poste for alerting him to the Swedes, who were “doubtless up to something,” and pointed out that Mr. van de Poste himself was sponsored by the Toast Marketing Board.
Article in The Gadfly, July 17, 1988
Sunday was meant to be a day off but it didn’t really seem like it. I played golf with Braxton in the morning and outside work he was as amiable a gent as I could possibly hope to meet. He delighted in showing me the rudiments of golf and once or twice I hit the ball quite well—when it made the thwack noise and flew away as straight as a die I suddenly realized what all the fuss was about. It wasn’t all fun and games, though—Braxton had been leaned on by Flanker who, I assume, had been leaned on by somebody else higher up. In between putting practice and attempting to get my ball out of the bunker, Braxton confided that he couldn’t hold off Flanker forever with his empty promise of a report on my alleged Welsh cheese activities, and if I knew what was good for me I would have to at least try and look for banned books with SO-14. I promised I would and then joined him for a drink at the nineteenth hole where we were regaled with stories by a large man with a red nose who was, apparently, the Oldest Member.
I was awakened Monday morning by a burbling noise from Friday. He was standing up in his cot and trying to grasp the curtain, which was out of his reach. He said that now that I was awake I could do a lot worse than take him downstairs, where he could play whilst I made some breakfast. Well, he didn’t use those precise words, of course—he said something more along the lines of, “Reprehenderit in voluptate velit id est mollit,” but I knew what he meant.
I couldn’t think of any good reason not to, so I pulled on my dressing gown and took the little fellow downstairs, pondering on quite who, if anyone, was going to look after him today. After I nearly got into a fight with Jack Schitt in front of Friday, I wasn’t sure he should witness all that his mum got up to.
My own mother was already up.
“Good morning, Mother,” I said cheerfully, “and how are you today?”
“I’m afraid not during the morning,” she said, divining my unasked question instantly, “but I can probably manage from teatime onwards.”
“I’d appreciate it,” I replied, looking at The Mole as I put on the porridge. Kaine had given an ultimatum to the Danish: either the government in Denmark ended all its efforts