The Eyre Affair_ A Novel - Jasper Fforde [569]
Kaine “Fictional,” Claims Bournemouth Man
Retired gas-fitter Mr. Martin Piffco made the ludicrous comment yesterday, claiming that the beloved leader of the nation was simply a fictional character “come to life.” Speaking from the Bournemouth Home for the Exceedingly Odd where he has been committed “for his own protection,” Mr. Piffco was more specific and likened Mr. Yorrick Kaine to a minor character with an over-inflated opinion of himself in a Daphne Farquitt book entitled At Long Last Lust. The Chancellor’s office dubbed the report “a coincidence,” but ordered the Farquitt book be confiscated nonetheless. Mr. Piffco, who faces unspecified charges, made news last year when he made a similar outrageous claim regarding Kaine and Goliath investing in “mind-control experiments.”
Article in the Bournemouth Bugle, March 15, 1987
I awoke and gazed at Landen in the early-morning light that had started to creep around the bedroom. He was snoring ever so softly, and I gave him a long hug before I got up, wrapped myself in a dressing gown and tiptoed past Friday’s room on my way downstairs to make some coffee. I walked into Landen’s study as I waited for the kettle to boil, sat down at the piano and played a very quiet chord. The sun crept above the roof of the house across the way at that precise moment and cast a finger of orange light across the room. I heard the kettle click off and returned to the kitchen to make the coffee. As I poured the hot water on the grounds, there was a small wail from upstairs. I paused to see if another would follow it. A single wail might be only a stirring, and Friday could be left alone. Two wails or more would be Hungry Boy, eager for a gallon or two of porridge. There was a second wail ten seconds later, and I was just about to go and get him when I heard a thump and a scraping as Landen pulled on his leg and then walked along the corridor to Friday’s room. There were more footsteps as he returned to his room, then silence. I relaxed, took a sip of coffee and sat at the kitchen table, deep in thought.
The SuperHoop was tomorrow and I had my team—the question was, would it make a difference? There was a chance we might find a copy of At Long Last Lust, too—but I wasn’t counting on this, either. Of equal chance and equal risk of failure was Shgakespeafe’s being able to unravel The Merry Wives of Elsinore, and Mycroft’s coming up with an Ovi-negator at short notice. But none of these pressing matters was foremost in my mind: most important to me was that at eleven o’clock this morning Cindy would try to kill me for the third and final time. She would fail, and she would die. I thought of Spike and Betty and picked up the phone. I figured he’d be a heavy sleeper, and I was right—Cindy answered the phone.
“It’s Thursday.”
“This is professionally very unethical,” said Cindy in a sleepy voice. “What’s the time?”
“Half six. Listen, I rang to suggest that it’d be a good idea if you stayed at home today and didn’t go to work.”
There was a pause. “I can’t do that,” she said at last. “I’ve arranged child care and everything. But there’s nothing to stop you getting out of town and never returning.”
“This is my town, too, Cindy.”
“Leave now, or the Next family crypt will be up for a dusting.”
“I won’t do that.”
“Then,” replied Cindy with a sigh, “we’ve got nothing else to discuss. I’ll see you later—although I doubt you’ll see me.”
The phone went dead, and I gently replaced the receiver. I felt sick. The wife of a good friend would die, and it didn’t feel good.
“What’s the matter?” said a voice close at hand. “You seem upset.”
It was Mrs. Tiggy-winkle.
“No,” I replied, “everything’s just as it should be. Thanks for dropping round; I’ve found us a William Shakespeare. He’s not the original, but close enough for our purposes. He’s in this cupboard.”
I opened the cupboard door, and a very startled Shgakespeafe looked up from where he’d been scribbling by the light of a candle end he had stuck upon his head. The wax had begun to run down his face, but he didn’t seem to