The Far Pavilions - Mary Margaret Kaye [464]
‘Well, now that the pore girl's dead, you've no call to be jealous of her any more ‘av you?’ put in Red soothingly.
‘Oh, yes I have, because even now – in fact now more than ever – she's coming between us. I tell you, Red, she might just as well be here on this ship, battening upon what little strength Juli has left, and weeping and whining for sympathy and attention like she used to do. There are times when I'm even ready to believe that there are such things as ghosts, and that hers has followed us here and is doing its damnedest to take Juli away from me.’
‘Don't be daft!’ snapped the Captain crossly. ‘I never 'eard such poppycock. Ghosts indeed! – whatever next?’ He pushed the bottle over to Ash and said: ‘Better 'av another good swig o' that, son. Won't do you no 'arm to get good n' bosky for a change an' drown yore sorrows, for it sounds to me as though you bin battenin' down yore 'atches too 'ard of late. It'll do you good to open 'em up and let some of the bad air out. It ain't sense to go a bottlin' things up until you gets jealous of a pore lass wots dead and gorn. T'ain't 'ealthy.’
‘It's not that,’ said Ash, re-filling his glass with an unsteady hand. ‘You don't understand, Red. It's because now that she's dead I'm afraid… I'm afraid –’ His teeth chattered against the rim of the glass as he gulped the raw spirit.
‘Afraid o' wot?’ demanded Red, frowning. ‘That yore Juli won't forget 'er sister? Wot's so bad about that? If she did you'd likely begin to think she was an 'ard 'earted piece, and that's the truth. You just give the pore girl a bit o' time, and you'll find you ain't got nothin' to be afraid of, for she's bound to stop grievin' one day.’
Ash drained his glass and reached for the bottle again, observing impatiently that of course she would; and of course he didn't expect her to forget her sister. It was not that he was afraid of.
‘Wot then?’
‘That she won't be able to forget that it was I who killed Shushila.’
‘You wot!’ exclaimed Red, startled.
‘Didn't I tell you that? I shot her,’ said Ash.
He explained how this had come about, and when he had finished Red breathed heavily for a few moments, and downed a further generous helping of brandy before replying. But his verdict when it came brought little comfort: ‘It's 'ard to know wot else you could 'ave done,’ declared Captain Stiggins thoughtfully. ‘But I see wot you mean. At the time like, all she'd be thinkin' of would be ‘ow she could save ‘er little sister from the pain of bein' roasted alive. But now that it's all over she's maybe blamin' ‘erself for not letting the lass ‘ave her own way – and you for playin' ‘angman, so to speak.’
‘Yes. That's what I'm afraid of. She seemed so set on it at the time. She begged me to do it. But now… now I don't believe she could have been in her right mind. She was half mad with grief, and thinking back I'm not sure I was quite sane myself. Perhaps none of us were… but it was far worse for her, because Shu-shu meant more to her than anyone else in the world and she couldn't bear the thought of what she must suffer. She wanted me to shoot her before the flames reached her, and I did. I shouldn't have done it and I've wished ever since that I hadn't, because I cheated her out of saint-ood. And now I'm afraid that Juli has begun to find that she can't look at me without remembering that it was I who killed her darling Shu-shu.’
‘Bollocks!’ retorted Red inelegantly.
‘Oh, I don't mean that she blames me for doing it. She knows damned well I only did it for her, and that if it had been up to me I wouldn't have dreamed of risking all our lives by hanging around waiting to shoot the wretched girl. But however clearly she may see that with her head, she knows in her heart that I didn't give a damn about Shu-shu – and that makes a difference.’
‘Yes, I can see that,’ said Red reflectively. ‘If you'd 'ad a fondness for the lass and done it for that reason – for love as you might say – it wouldn't 'ave mattered s'much… you shootin' 'er.’