The Fifth Elephant - Terry Pratchett [38]
“But, look, Vimesy used to say that sort of thing, too, I heard him,” said Nobby.
“Yeah, but that was different.”
“How?”
“That was Mister Vimes,” said Stronginthearm. “Remember that riot in Easy Street last year? Bloke came after me with a club when I was on the ground, and Mister Vimes caught it on his arm and punched the man right in the head.”
“Yeah,” said Constable Hacknee, another dwarf, “When your back’s against the wall, Mister Vimes is right behind you.”
“But old Fred…you all know old Fred Colon, boys,” Nobby wheedled, taking a kettle off the office stove and pouring the boiling water into a teapot. “He knows coppering inside and out.”
“His kind of coppering, yeah,” said Hacknee.
“I mean, he’s been a copper longer than anyone in the Watch,” said Nobby.
One of the dwarfs said something in Dwarfish. There were a few smiles from the shorter watchmen.
“What was that?” said Nobby.
“Well, roughly translated,” said Stronginthearm, “‘My bum has been a bum for a very long time but I don’t have to listen to anything it says.’”
“He fined me half a dollar for mumping,” said Hacknee. “Fred Colon! He practically goes on patrol with a shopping bag! And all I had was a free pint at the Bunch of Grapes and I found out that Posh Wally is suddenly flashing a lot of money lately. That’s worth knowing. I remember going out on patrol with Fred Colon when I started and you could practically see him tucking his napkin under his chin whenever we walked past a café. ‘Oh no, Sergeant Colon, wouldn’t dream of seeing you pay.’ They used to lay the table when they saw him turn the corner.”
“Everyone does it,” said Stronginthearm.
“Captain Carrot never did,” said Nobby.
“Captain Carrot was…special.”
“But what am I supposed to do with this?” said Visit, waving the ink-speckled message. “Mister Vimes wants some information urgently, he says!”
Stronginthearm took the paper and read it.
“Well, this shouldn’t be hard,” he said. “Old Wussie Staid in Kicklebury Street was a janitor there for years and he owes me a favor.”
“If we’re going to send a clacks to Mister Vimes then we ought to tell him about the Scone and Sonky,” said Reg Shoe. “You know he left a message about that. I’ve done a report.”
“Why? He’s hundreds of miles away.”
“I’d just feel happier if he knew,” said Reg. “’Cos it worries me.”
“What good will it do sending it to him, then?”
“Because then it’ll worry him, and I can stop worrying,” said Reg.
“Corporal Nobbs!”
“He listens at the door, I’ll swear he does,” said Stronginthearm. “I’m off.”
“Coming, Captain!” shouted Nobby. He pulled open the bottom drawer of his battered and stained desk and took out a packet of chocolate biscuits, some of which he arranged daintily on a plate.
“Does me no good at all to see you acting like this,” Stronginthearm went on, winking at the other dwarfs. “You’ve got it in you to be a really bad copper, Nobby. Breaks my heart to see you throwin’ it all away to become a really bad waitress.”
“Ha ha ha,” said Nobby. “Just you wait, that’s all I’m saying.” He raised his voice. “Coming right now, Captain!”
There was a sharp smell of burned paper in the captain’s room when Nobby entered.
“Nothing cheers up the day like a good fire, I always say,” he said, putting the tray on the desk.
But Captain Colon wasn’t paying any attention. He’d removed the sugar bowl from the locked drawer of his desk and had laid the cubes out in rows.
“Do you see anything wrong with these lumps, Corporal?” he said quietly.
“Well, they’re a bit manky where you’ve been handling them every—”
“There’s thirty-seven, Corporal.”
“Sorry about that, Captain.”
“Visit must’ve pinched them when he was in here. He must’ve used some fancy foreign trick. They can do that, you know. Climb ropes and disappear up the top of ’em, that sort of thing.”
“Did he have a rope?” said Nobby.
“Are you making fun of me, Corporal?”
Nobby saluted. “Nossir! Maybe it was a invisible one,