The Fifth Elephant - Terry Pratchett [66]
“And then it all broke up and the dwarfs became powerful because there’s dwarfs from one end of Uberwald to the other and they all keep in touch…”
“Their system certainly survives political upheaval, yes.”
“And then…what was it? A diet of beetles?”
“The Diet of Bugs, mmm. Diet being an Uberwaldean word for meeting, and Bugs being an important town further up river, famous for its pastries made from flax. Everyone came to an…arrangement. No one would wage war on any of the others, and everyone could live in peace. No garlic to be grown, no silver to be mined. And the werewolves and vampires promised that those things wouldn’t be needed. Mmm, mmm.”
“Seems a bit trusting,” said Vimes.
“It appears to have worked, mhm.”
“What did the humans think about it all?”
“Well, humans have always been a bit of background noise in the history of Uberwald, Your Grace.”
“It must be a bit dull for the undead, though.”
“Oh, the bright ones know the old days can’t come back.”
“Ah, well…that’s always the trick, isn’t it? Finding the bright ones?” Vimes put on his helmet. “And what’re the dwarfs like?”
“The future Low King is considered pretty clever, Your Grace. Mhm.”
“How does he stand on Ankh-Morpork?”
“He can take Ankh-Morpork or leave it alone, Your Grace. On balance, I believe he doesn’t much like us.”
“I thought it was Albrecht that didn’t like us?”
“No, Your Grace. Albrecht is the one who would be happy to see Ankh-Morpork burned to the ground. Rhys merely wishes we didn’t exist.”
“I thought he was one of the good guys!”
“Your Grace, I did hear you express some negative sentiments about Ankh-Morpork on the way here, mhm, mhm.”
“Yes, but I live there! I’m allowed to! That’s patriotic!”
“Across the whole of the world, Your Grace, there inexplicably appear to be definitions of, mmm, mhm, ‘good guy’ which do not automatically mean ‘likes Ankh-Morpork.’ You will find out, I daresay. The other two are a lot easier to deal with. It may have been the Lady Margolotta who tried the little trick with the guards last night. She was the one who got me to bring you back, anyway. She has invited you for drinks.”
“Oh.”
“She’s a vampire, mmm, mmm.”
“What?”
Inigo sighed.
“Your Grace, I thought you understood. Vampires are simply part of Uberwald. This is where they belong. I’m afraid this is something you will have to come to terms with. I understand that now they…obtain blood by arrangement. Some people are…impressed by a title, Your Grace.”
“Good grief…”
“Quite so. In any case, you will be safe. Remember your diplomatic immunity, mmm, mhm.”
“I didn’t quite see that working in the Wilinus Pass the other day.”
“Oh, they were common bandits.”
“Really? Has your man Sleeps turned up? Haven’t you taken this to the Watch here?”
“There’s no Watch here, as you understand the term. You saw them. They’re…gate guards, enforcers for the city rulers, mhm, mmm, not officers of the law. But…inquiries are being made.”
“Does Sybil come with me for this bit?” said Vimes, and thought: We were guards like that, not so long ago…
“It is usually done by the new ambassador and his guards.”
“Well, Detritus is staying here to keep an eye on her, all right? She said this morning she really thinks this place would be better for some decent carpet, and there’s no stopping her when she’s in a tape-measure mood. I’ll take Cheery and one of the lads from outside, for the look of the thing. I assume you’re coming?”
“I won’t be required, sir. Mmm. The new coachman knows the way, Morporkian is the diplomatic language, after all, and…I shall be making inquiries.”
“Delicate ones?”
“Indeed, Your Grace.”
“If he’s been killed, won’t that be an act of war?”
“Yes and no, Your Grace.”
“What? Sleeps was—is our man!”
Inigo looked awkward. “It would depend on…exactly where he was and what he was doing…”
Vimes gave him a blank look, and then the penny dropped and operated his brain.
“Spying?”
“Acquiring information. Everyone does it, mm, mmm.”
“Yes, but if you find a diplomat going