The Flight of Gemma Hardy_ A Novel - Margot Livesey [151]
“The last night I saw Ian,” she said, “I told him I was expecting.”
Hearing the word Vicky had used about Audrey Marsden, used in the same way, I made a little sound.
“I was sure we’d get married, else I’d never have—” She made a vague gesture. “Still I was so nervous telling him I felt like I’d swallowed a goldfish. We were at the pub, and I remember Ian burst out laughing so loudly that people turned to look at us. ‘How clever we are,’ he said, ‘we’ve made a baby.’ We agreed, then and there, to get married the next week. Who knew when the army would give him leave again? Our parents would be shocked, but we didn’t care. Ian was handsome and clever and I was confident he’d flourish after the war. And my grandfather had left money in trust for me that I’d get when I turned thirty or married. I hadn’t mentioned this to Ian for fear it might seem like hinting. When I told him that night he just shook his head. ‘Beauty, brains, and money,’ he said. ‘How did I get so lucky?’
“We stayed until last call. Later, of course, I blamed myself for the accident. If he’d left earlier, if he hadn’t had one more drink. When I heard he was dead, I fainted and was in a fever for three days. My mother insisted it was a blessing I missed the funeral, but I think it made it even harder to accept what had happened. For years afterwards, whenever I heard a motorbike, I was sure it was Ian.”
I had written: Ian, expecting, trust fund, accident. In the background the radio gave cricket scores. By the window Robin made faint “broom broom” noises as he trundled his cars back and forth. My aunt seemed unaware of any of this, or even of me, her audience. She was looking squarely into the past.
“When my fever abated,” she went on, “I assumed I’d lost the baby. Gradually it dawned on me I hadn’t. My mother guessed my condition. She started making plans to send me to Ireland; the story was I would help out on a horse farm. I would have the baby there, give it up for adoption, and come home. No one would know, and some other nice boy would come along and marry me. She had the good sense to say this last part only once. I had a ticket to sail from Glasgow to Belfast the following week when Charles came to call. We had met a couple of times, and he knew how Ian felt about me. It was a dreich afternoon but I dragged him out for a walk to get away from my mother. We headed up Berwick Law. We were at the top, standing in the rain, looking down on the Firth of Forth, when the word baby popped out of my mouth. Charles smiled and for a moment he was the spitting image of Ian. ‘That’s grand news,’ he said.
“Then I blurted out everything, my last conversation with Ian, my belief that I’d caused his death, the whole Ireland plan. I remember watching a ship sail into the Forth, very, very slowly, and saying I didn’t think I could bear to give him up. I was sure I was having a boy. But my parents would disown me if I didn’t, and I would only get my inheritance if I married. All the way down the hill we talked about alternatives. Charles suggested I could stay in Ireland for a few years and come back with the baby, pretending to be a widow. But even two years somewhere cheap would take more money than either of us had.
“That night Charles phoned; he’d had an idea. ‘Promise you’ll think about it for twenty-four hours.’ When he suggested we get married, I was furious. I remember shouting, ‘Don’t you have any respect for your brother’s memory?’ and hanging up. But after my parents left to play bridge I walked round and round the house, thinking. If I married Charles I could keep the baby. I could use my inheritance to buy us a house. Then, in a few years, we could get a divorce. I knew Charles would be a good father.
“At breakfast the next morning I told my parents. My mother asked if I was sure. My father just patted my shoulder and went off to the coal yard. We married in a registry office, and Will was born six months later. Soon afterwards Charles got this parish. We moved here and began to share a room. Louise and Veronica came along. When your uncle wanted