The Fog - James Herbert [56]
That was when Mavis knew she had lost. Her sorrow turned to rage when she thought of how she had been cheated. It was Ronnie who had led her into this way of life, seduced her! How could she now cast her aside as it had meant nothing, a phase she had gone through? She had found a ‘normal’ love and left Mavis unwilling now for any other kind of love. What would she become? A lonely, embittered lesbian. She cried out in self-pity.
Ronnie had walked to the door and opened it. Before she left, she had said, ‘I’m sorry, Mavis, I’m so sorry. But I have to go, Philip is waiting for me downstairs in his car. He doesn’t know about us, and I never want him to. Perhaps someday, when I’m sure of him, I’ll tell him. Believe me, Mavis, I didn’t want this to happen – I didn’t know it ever could – but it’s the right thing. I think we were wrong. Forgive me, darling. I hope someday you’ll find what I have.’
When Ronnie had left, Mavis remained in a heap on the floor, weeping bitter tears, shocked by her lover’s cruelty, appalled at the fate she saw for herself. She finally recognized their affair for what it was – two women living together in an abnormal relationship. She had never accepted the fact that she was homosexual, but somehow, Ronnie’s leaving took away all the sensitivity of their mutual inclinations and revealed Mavis in her true light. A lesbian!
It was a fact she now felt unable to live with. The guilt that had lain hidden deep in her mind came to the surface and for the first time she felt remorse. But still she cried for Ronnie, wanted her there in her arms, to be comforted by her, to be possessed by her, and her shame increased because of it. She rose from the floor, her face puffed and blotchy, and curled up on the sofa, her knees drawn up to her chin. She thought back over the two years, the intimacies they’d shared, the plans they’d made. She went back to when they were younger, friends who giggled over their innocent secret. She thought of the first time, in Bournemouth, where now, she realized, their union had been unknowingly sealed. Why had everything changed? What was it that caused people to destroy each other?
Then she had decided what she would do. Fighting back her tears, she went down to the little red Mini they had bought, never thinking there would come a day when their possessions would have to be divided as would a divorced couple’s.
She drove through the night to Bournemouth, stopping occasionally when she could no longer stem her tears, her only consolation now in what she was going to do. And once, she was forced to stop because of heavy fog.
And now, Mavis stood barefooted on the beach, looking at the moody grey sea in the dawn light. She had stopped crying, her emotions not drained but held in check, because there was no point in tears if she were going to die. She still saw the image of Ronnie before her; her sad-smiling face, her soft brown eyes that reflected sorrow even when they were laughing.
Mavis walked towards the sea, leaving her shoes on the beach behind. The water chilled her with its coldness, but the chill in her spirit was greater. She waded in further, the water rising to her knees, the tide pushing against her as though urging her to go back. It reached her thighs, causing her thin skirt to cling to them, then touched the part of her body that Ronnie had adored and kissed so often. She sank deeper and now the sea seemed to be drawing her in instead of pushing her back, welcoming her into its enveloping icy depths. She found it difficult to breathe because of the combination of cold and the pressure of the water now around her chest. And the fear she had begun to feel. She stopped, straining to keep her balance against the now unfriendly water.
Death. Death was so absolute. And would there be pain before her body succumbed to the