The Freedom Writers Diary - Erin Gruwell [105]
When I was younger, I was constantly the butt of everybody’s jokes. I had to get attention because nobody liked me or tried to be my friend. Now that I’m grown up, I don’t have to try so hard, because friends come naturally.
I’m surprised that I could make a highly intelligent audience laugh. A bit of comic relief, so to speak. What’s good is that the professors didn’t try to alienate me from the rest of the Freedom Writers. Maybe they saw something special in me that my other teachers had never seen before.
Now I can’t wait to start college because there are all types of people who are just like me—different and weird. It’s good to know that I don’t need to change for others but to search for people who will take me as I am—without any strings attached!
Diary 127
Dear Diary,
For the past four years we have been learning about tolerance and how you should accept everyone no matter what. Well, acceptance isn’t something that comes naturally for people who have to deal with me. Many people don’t accept me when they find out I’m a lesbian.
I realized I was a lesbian just recently, when my best friend told me that she loved me and I returned her love. It’s funny to think about how dramatically your life can change in a matter of minutes. After coming to terms with who I am, I had so many questions. I was confused and scared and didn’t know what to do. What if people found out about us, would they still accept us or would they turn their backs on us? What would our close friends think when they found out? How would they treat us? Would we still be welcomed in our little social group?
What will our families do when they find out? Will they stick by us? And what if the college we will be going to found out? Would we be kicked out of school because of who we choose to be with? After all, it is a religious school and the by-laws say that homosexuality will not be tolerated.
After all these questions ran through my mind I was even more scared and confused. I couldn’t answer half of them, and the other half I already knew the answers to but didn’t want to face them. This experience has led me to believe that the people who always tell you that they are your friends, no matter what, are really the first ones to go. When I told a few of my friends that I thought I could trust, they were the ones that had the biggest problem with me. They told me I was going to hell and that they didn’t want anything to do with me. The few family members we told had no problem with our sexuality. The hard part will be when the time comes to tell our parents. My mom has told me she would love me no matter what, but when it comes down to it, will she, or will she be like some of my friends and leave?
Diary 128
Dear Diary,
Me? Prom queen? I can’t believe this. This has been the best night of my life! I feel like Cinderella. Everyone was so excited for me, but all I could think about doing was calling my mom. For some reason, I knew it would mean more to her than it did to me. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to tell her that I had won, but instead I wanted to thank her and dedicate the whole night to her.
“You look so beautiful with that crown on,” my mom said. She stayed up all night waiting for me just to see me with my crown, sash and flowers. “You are like a trophy to me.” When I saw my mom’s tears, it made me realize how much she had sacrificed for me to be here. I never really understood the struggle she went through, but now it all makes sense to me.
My family was very wealthy in my country. Because my parents were so high up in the government, my brothers attended one of the best private schools, and my younger brother and I had our own baby-sitters. My mother owned one of the best beauty salons at the time. She had very