The Freedom Writers Diary - Erin Gruwell [82]
Diary 97
Dear Diary,
I feel as though chaos is stalking me, sliding its slimy tentacles into every crevice of my life. It has already conquered my home life, now it’s trying to destroy the Freedom Writers, too. Every time I begin to get comfortable, someone goes and changes the rules on me. The whole reason I came to Wilson in the first place was to escape the uncontrolled environment I was raised in.
If “raising” is what you call it. My mother’s parenting capabilities consisted of “I’ll give you twenty bucks and the keys to my car if you leave me alone this weekend.” It wasn’t that she was a bad mother, she “was just tired of playing the role of mother,” as she so bluntly told me one morning. How could she teach me to be responsible if she wasn’t responsible herself?
Maybe it was her drinking, maybe it was her drugs…Maybe it was me. All I know is that absolute and complete freedom gets old very fast. My mother was simply tired of raising me, so I raised myself. There would be times I wouldn’t see my mom for days, even weeks. Sure I always knew where she was, but that is never the same thing as having a real parent there. I missed the little things; curfews and rules were nonexistent. Whenever I asked her when I had to be home, she would reply “By Monday,” even if it was Friday. Imagine being fifteen years old and feeling as though your own mother could care less about you. I not only wanted but needed guidance.
After a while I would give myself curfews so that people wouldn’t know my mother was oblivious. It is hard raising yourself. If it was easy, then we wouldn’t have parents. But we do, or most people do at least.
I began to feel so alone. All my life it had been my mom and me and now it was just me. I became very depressed, escaping reality any way I could.
The Freedom Writers filled this huge hole I had by giving me a safe place where I always knew someone cared. We are in jeopardy of not being able to be a class next year. Losing these people would be like losing a part of my family. I can’t go through that again.
Diary 98
Dear Diary,
I just found out that we are going to be an official class our senior year of high school. After all the commotion from some of the teachers at school, we were worried that we would be separated. Why would the teachers want to separate us? Can’t they see that we are so much more than a class? We are a family. Fortunately, the school superintendent, Carl Cohn, supported us all the way.
The Freedom Writer family has worked hard to stay together and the word “together” is very symbolic for me! I had a normal family once, with a father, a mother, and a couple of sisters. Our home was filled with love. What happened? My mother felt she needed more freedom, so she disappeared. I still don’t know where she is. She left when we all needed her, especially me. In the long run, I hope that she will understand all the pain that she has caused in the family. My sisters and I stayed with my father, of course. He was the only one that showed love and pride for his girls. Then he met Ms. “She Thang” and allowed her to move in with us. For some reason, when I met her I felt the same feeling that I felt the day I lost my mother. I knew something was going to happen, because my father just expected my sisters and me to accept her as our mother. We were still trying to cope with our actual mother leaving us and now Dad had a new woman in his life.
My dad had three kids with his new wife and in the process, he forgot about his eldest daughters. So my sister and I moved out and moved in with my aunt. The youngest stayed with my father. My aunt was like a second mother and she received us with open arms when we walked into her home. I loved that feeling. It was as though I was starting a new life. Until her son introduced her to his friend from jail. She became real close to him over the phone and as time went by, they fell in love. They spent a large amount of time speaking to each other on the phone while her son