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a close friend in Cleo after a teacher paired them together. She would not have known that Mia had been a bullying victim had the vice principal not voiced the connection. A shy senior told me a similar story. “When I moved to Dallas, my science teacher gave me my first friend. The first day in her class, she asked a student to let me sit with him at lunch. He was and still is a really nice kid, and having him as a friend saved me from the inevitable exclusion I would have felt or imposed on myself otherwise,” he said.

Students may be more likely to tolerate others’ differences if someone has already unlocked the gate that they are convinced divides them. Teachers can help by partnering unlikely pairs in class. “I’m just as guilty as everyone else of judging people by their appearance. Though once I get to know these people, I completely change my mind,” said a New York nerd. “We have a program for very artsy people, and I won’t lie, I used to think they were all weird and crazy. Then I became friends with them and realized they are just a different type of people and that didn’t mean they were weird; they were just different. I was walking home from school with my friend and we saw this girl with a lot of piercings and her hair dyed funky colors and my friend said, ‘Isn’t that the freak weirdo girl that goes to our school?’ Thing is, I had met this girl in gym class and I couldn’t help but answer, ‘Yeah, but she’s not weird; she’s actually really nice.’ ”

Facilitate connections rather than imposing friendships

At the same time, refrain from shoving students into friendships. Some students are just fine on their own, and others will balk if they think adults don’t trust them to manage their own social life. “Sometimes adults get too focused on everyone being friends, and they forget that they probably can’t even achieve this with their own coworkers,” said a Pennsylvania sophomore.

Offer teachers/advisors of marginalized students the chance to be visible

A special education teacher in Tennessee told me, “I’ve made efforts to be more visible around school. Three-quarters of the special education teachers served as wrestling and cheerleading coaches. It’s good to work with students in regular education classes because it means that these students will know me, come to my room, and interact with the students I teach. In a sense, it makes my kids feel cooler because they know some student athletes. Plus it helps the regular education kids see you as a true teacher rather than a ‘special’ teacher.” Her suggestion could also apply to art and music teachers, academic and robotics club advisors, etc. Afford these teachers the opportunity to emcee a pep rally or host another high-visibility event.

Rock the vote

Elections for student government and class officers should be held in all classes during the same period, and ballots should be distributed to every student. At Whitney’s school, not all students were encouraged to vote, which partly explained why the same set of students—who neither represented nor cared about the cafeteria fringe—won every year.

In elementary schools, a committee of teachers and counselors could select student officers, with an eye toward choosing shy or otherwise sidelined students who could benefit from the self-esteem and leadership skills associated with representing their class.

Don’t punish individuals by rewarding groups

For school-related events—plays, dances, sports, etc.—don’t offer ticket discounts to couples or groups. Rewarding students who can find a date or friend to join them automatically penalizes students who would go alone. Along the same lines, sponsor social events other than dances.

Reach out

Flor, the Oklahoma junior in chapter 4, credits teachers and counselors with her turnaround from high school dropout to eloquent college applicant. “It may not seem like much, but there were moments when I near lost hope, and even the smallest word meant a lot,” she said. Any adult working at school can reach out to ask students how they’re doing, what they need. Let them know