The Ginger Man - J. P. Donleavy [108]
"You're not?"
"Tonight's mail boat"
"What's happened?"
"It's so involved I don't know."
"That's fair enough."
"Tone, we're all going to the wall."
"They've been trying to get me out of this place for over a year and they haven't succeeded yet It's the only satisfaction I get out of life. Just screwing this landlord. But I'll tell you Sebastian, while there's a spud left in Ireland, I won't be beat A lot of faces will be bashed in before I'm finished."
"Them's the words, Tone."
"It's the kids. I don't know what I'll do. They've got to have a place to live. I've got to find something. Get my hands on a few quid. Just a few nicker and I could get a little farm in the Wicklows."
"Turn to gangsterism."
"Sebastian, I couldn't"
"Tone, pride has you at its mercy."
"Has me by the very ballocks."
"Tony, I think a pint would see us right"
"I think you're right for the first time since you last said that"
"Wait till I use your toilet"
"You can't"
"I say, Tone, what?"
"Jesus, I ripped the damn thing out and sold it down the quays for thirty bob."
"God's teeth."
"A fine bit of lead too, fetched eight and six."
"Will we ever see the end."
"I'm desperate."
"Now Tone, tell me. Fm professionally interested. How did you get a thing like that down to the quays?"
"In the pram. Tied a ribbon on it. Pillow and blanket"
"I think it can be said Tone that we've both pushed more than babies in the pram."
"Terry had a fit."
"How is she?"
"Fine."
"And the kids?"
"They have no idea. Everything's great Beauty of kids. They only miss love and food."
"And while there's a potato left, eh Tone?"
"You're right"
"I think the pint now. Time for pint."
They paused at the front door. Tony fiddling with his elaborate fortifications.
"Now watch this, Sebastian."
Tony adjusted the stout board wedging it perpendicularly at the side of the door. Sebastian stepped out, watching with interest. Tony slammed the door. Inside the sound of the board slipping into place.
"For the love of the B.O.P."
"Isn't it good?"
"I wouldn't relish you as an enemy, Tone. How do you get in?"
"Now watch."
Tony opened the door to the coal cellar. Reaching carefully around the wall grinning. He held out a cord.
"This goes through the wall and you just pull it back until the board jams up against the door frame and bob's your rudd. Took a lot of fiddling."
"Someone told me Tone that you can take sixty thousand volts through one ear and out the other while singing The West's Awake."
"Who in Christ's name told you that? I didn't want that to get around."
"Eeeee, we're going to win. Win win win. Do you hear me out there? Win."
They set off for Lower Baggot Street. Into the house on the corner. Malarkey wearing a purple scarf with tiny yellow and green stripes tucked up carefully to hide garments that had seen better days on the back of a rich American. Danger-field holding his female mackintosh closed with a baby's big safety pin.
"Sebastian, I hear from reliable sources that you have been getting a bit from your boarder."
"I beg your pardon, Tone."
"You shrewd whore."
"Miss Frost is joining the Carmelites."
"You mean a kip."
"I assure you, Tone, for your own peace of mind that no commerce, carnal or otherwise, has taken place between us. On the contrary, Miss Frost and I often attended Benediction together. Took the holy water on the cheeks. Of the face. Do you know she has a very fine voice. Bit of baritone but with heart. Yes, heart. Puts her heart in it. Sings from the bottom of."
"If you weren't screwing Miss Frost day and night and mostly nights, I'd give up drinking and betting for life."
"Eeeeeeeee."
Gathering pennies from the bar, they moved to another pub on the Baggot Street. Sebastian who said he felt a slight chill coming on had several double brandies.
"Do you know Sebastian I've got to get a farm as soon as I lay my hands on some quids. Only way to live. Make packs of money"
"Tone, I think we put too much faith in the farm. Get this farm and then be out there at dawn feeding pigs and some bull sneaking up for a good