The Golden Bowl - Henry James [116]
His very insistence had fortunately the next moment affected her as bringing her help; with which at least she could hold up her head to speak. ‘Ah, you are through – you were through long ago. Or if you aren’t you ought to be.’
‘Well then if I ought to be it’s all the more reason why you should continue to help me. Because very distinctly I assure you I’m not. The new things – or ever so many of them – are still for me new things; the mysteries and expectations and assumptions still contain an immense element that I’ve failed to puzzle out. As we’ve happened so luckily to find ourselves again really taking hold together, you must let me, as soon as possible, come to see you; you must give me a good kind hour. If you refuse it me’ – and he addressed himself to her continued reserve – ‘I shall feel that you deny, with a stony stare, your responsibility.’
At this, as from a sudden shake, her reserve proved a weak vessel. She could bear her own, her private reference to the weight on her mind, but the touch of another hand made it too horribly press. ‘Oh I deny responsibility – to you. So far as I ever had it I’ve done with it.’
He had been all the while beautifully smiling; but she made his look now penetrate her again more. ‘As to whom then do you confess it?’
‘Ah mio caro, that’s – if to any one – my own business!’
He continued to look at her hard. ‘You give me up then?’
It was what Charlotte had asked her ten minutes before, and its coming from him so much in the same way shook her in her place. She was on the point of replying ‘Do you and she agree together for what you’ll say to me?’ – but she was glad afterwards to have checked herself in time, little as her actual answer had perhaps bettered it. ‘I think I don’t know what to make of you.’
‘You must receive me at least,’ he said.
‘Oh please not till I’m ready for you!’ – and though she found a laugh for it she had to turn away. She had never turned away from him before, and it was quite positively for her as if she were altogether afraid of him.
3
Later on, when their hired brougham1 had, with the long vociferation that tormented her impatience, been extricated from the endless rank, she rolled into the London night, beside her husband, as into a sheltering darkness where she could muffle herself and draw breath. She had stood for the previous hour in a merciless glare, beaten upon, stared out of countenance, it fairly seemed to her, by intimations of her mistake. For what she was most immediately feeling was that she had in the past been active for these people to ends that were now bearing fruit and that might yet bear a larger crop. She but brooded at first in her corner of the carriage: it was like burying her exposed face, a face too helplessly exposed, in the cool lap of the common indifference, of the dispeopled streets, of the closed shops and darkened houses seen through the window of the brougham, a world mercifully unconscious and unreproachful. It wouldn’t, like the world she