The Good Book_ A Secular Bible - A. C. Grayling [51]
15. And my voice, of all others, to fail when dangers threatened my family, which had so often been successfully used in the defence of strangers.
16. For as to my not writing, it was because of a numbness of my faculties, and a seemingly endless deluge of tears and sorrows.
17. How many tears do you suppose these very words have cost me?
18. As many as I know they will cost you to read them! Can I ever refrain from thinking of you or ever think of you without tears?
19. For when I miss you, is it only a brother that I miss?
20. Rather it is almost a twin brother in the charm of his companionship, a son in his consideration for my wishes, a father in the wisdom of his advice!
21. What pleasure did I ever have without you, or you without me? And what must my case be when at the same time I miss a daughter:
22. How affectionate! how modest! how clever! The express image of my face, of my speech, of my very heart! Or again a son, the prettiest boy, the very joy of my heart?
23. Cruel inhuman monster that I am, I dismissed him from my arms better schooled in the world than I could have wished: for the poor child began to understand what was going on.
24. So, too, your own son, your own image, whom my little boy loved as a companion, and was beginning to respect as an elder brother!
25. Need I mention also how I refused to allow my unhappy wife – the truest of helpmates – to accompany me,
26. That there might be someone to protect the wrecks of the calamity which had fallen on us both, and guard our common children?
27. I dreaded the renewed lamentation which our meeting would cause: while I could not have borne your departure,
28. And was afraid of the very thing you mention in your letter – that you would be unable to tear yourself away.
29. For these reasons the supreme pain of not seeing you – and nothing more painful or more wretched could, I think, have happened to the most affectionate and united of brothers –
30. Was a lesser misery than would have been such a meeting followed by such a parting.
Chapter 15
1. Now, if you can, though I, whom you always regarded as a brave man, cannot do so, rouse yourself and collect your energies in view of any challenge you may have to confront.
2. I hope, if my hope has anything to go upon, that your own spotless character and the love of your fellow citizens, and even remorse for my treatment, may prove a protection to you.
3. But if it turns out that you are free from personal danger, you will doubtless do whatever you think can be done for me.
4. In that matter, indeed, many write to me at great length and declare they have hopes;
5. But I personally cannot see what hope there is, since my enemies have the greatest influence,
6. While my friends have in some cases deserted, in others even betrayed me.
7. I shall continue to live as long as you shall need me, in view of any danger you may have to undergo:
8. Longer than that I cannot go in this kind of life. For there is neither wisdom nor philosophy with sufficient strength to sustain such a weight of grief.
9. I know that there has been a time for dying, more honourable and more advantageous; and this is not the only one of my many omissions;
10. Which, if I should choose to bewail, I should merely be increasing your sorrow and emphasising my own stupidity.
11. But one thing I am not bound to do, and it is in fact impossible:
12. Remain in a life so wretched and so dishonoured any longer than your necessities, or some well-grounded hope, shall demand.
13. For I, who was lately supremely blessed in brother, children, wife, wealth, and in the very nature of that wealth,
14. While in position, influence, reputation, and popularity, I was inferior to none, however, distinguished –
15. I cannot, I repeat, go on longer lamenting over myself and those dear to me in a life of such humiliation as this, and in a state of such utter ruin.
16. I see and feel, to my misery, of what a culpable act I have been guilty in squandering