The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - Bobby Henderson [11]
Now take a look at how much criticism of Christianity, Islam, Judaism, and the other religions there is. People can’t seem to decide on the simple things, like which holy book to follow, let alone whether any of it is true. There are arguments between friends and countries, tens of thousands of books on the various religions, all poking holes, jibbering about which god to worship (Hinduism), jabbering about which ancient prophet’s cousin to support (Islam). It’s a mess. And yet we find that exactly, count them, zero books have been written to poke holes in the theory of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. There isn’t even any academic criticism, only academic support—and academics love to argue about everything. All this we take as evidence that FSMism is probably true.
Finally, we find that the religions tend to put a lot of stock in “dogma,” which is a way of saying they are correct beyond all doubt. Even the most devout of the Pastafarians will scratch their heads and nervously readjust their eye patches at this idea. Dogma implies an absolute belief in something, and in order for people to have an absolute belief in anything, they’d basically have to be fucking omniscient.17 We have a different approach: FSM believers reject dogma. Which is not to say that we don’t believe we’re right. Obviously, we do. We simply reserve the right to change our beliefs based on new evidence or greater understanding of old evidence. Our rejection of dogma is so strong that we leave open the possibility that there is no Flying Spaghetti Monster at all. So, in a sense, you could say that we’re extremely open-minded—we could change our minds someday. All we ask is proof of His nonexistence.
The fossil record is loaded with evidence of His existence. You just have to know where to look.
1. “Fitness” regards how well individuals “fit” in their environment.
2. Most scientists are perverted and use Latinate terms to hide this fact. Translated into English, staphylococci means “Power Penis.”
3. No relation to Sir Elton John.
4. Meaning “many tiny penises.”
5. See various stories by Jack London.
6. I find it suspicious that biology textbooks rarely mention this fact.
7. Wisdom teeth appear to still serve a useful function in parts of the Deep South.
8. See Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Island.
9. Women are not advised to try this in the company of perverted men.
10. Nihilos were an early Roman snack food, an early predecessor to Doritos. Essentially, this term translates to “from Doritos.”
11. Fuck.
12. Rams, deer, elk, etc.
13. Also, George W. Bush bears a striking resemblance to a chimpanzee.
14. Henderson, 2005.
15. Luke 19:27.
16. Who managed to knock off Jesus, if you believe some people.
17. Which would be cool, but would probably also make you a little uncomfortable around other people.
An Alternate Vision
A Note from
Peter J. Snodgrass, Ph.D., and
the Imam Perez Jaffari
RE: UD in a Not-So-Intelligent
World
When confronted with the grim realities of war, famine, pestilence, diarrhea, and Celine Dion, it is not entirely surprising that one might be led to consider that our Creator, while all-powerful, might not have proven Himself to be completely infallible.
While there can be no doubt that the source of creation was indeed the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), and that He did leave mysterious and ambiguous clues to throw us off track,1 we submit that the FSM was careless, cruel, drunk, or even high when he first laid