The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - Bobby Henderson [21]
A fine example of Celtic-Pastafarian-Pirate-Christian craftsmanship.
1. The universe appears to be expanding, much like cooked pasta, as illustrated by observed light from distant galaxies shifting toward the Marinara Spectrum. Some scientists cite this as support for His preference for red sauce, but they are most likely idiots.
2. As evidence of sexual motivation on the part of scientists, let’s choose an occupation at random, say gynecology. These so-called professionals spend their entire lives looking at female sex organs—or poontang, as it’s known in academic circles. Look a little deeper into the fold, and you will find that nearly 99 percent of all gynecologists have a scientific background. To illustrate just how significant that is, pick another group at random—say, myself. I’m not a scientist, and I hardly ever see female sex organs. I find it hard to believe this is just a coincidence. I’m not saying all scientists are perverts, but I think it’s safe to say that nearly all of them are.
3. Perverted coveting.
4. Possibly these were porcupines. Also, some scholars believe that Noah might have hurled stab-rabbits, a since-extinct species of rabbit possessing weaponlike points all over its body. Despite their love of sex, the stab-rabbits ultimately went extinct because they could not bring themselves to go through with copulation, the pain being too great—much like modern-day men who are married to fatties.
5. Giant ones, for riding.
6. Although they have wisely developed another description of events.
7. There are no mentions of Pirates or grog, and only a few of wenches in the Christian Bible.
8. Today, portions of this period are known as various holidays—Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, and others—except at Wal-Mart, where it is still considered Holiday, as in “Happy Holiday, and Welcome to Wal-Mart.”
9. And later at airports.
10. If you ever read a Pirate textbook, you’d think they were Jesus.
11. Most Celtic artwork resembles the FSM (see illustration), which leads us to believe that many Pirates simply became druids. Also, there is a striking similarity between midgets and leprechauns.
12. Possibly believing that all the Hari Krishnas had moved to California.
Key Moments in FSM History
They say that a picture is worth a thousand words, and since we’re well into the book now, and tired, we thought it would be helpful to provide some key moments in Pastafarianism—Photoshop-style!
This early cave painting suggests that the FSM might have tried to interfere with aboriginal hunters in an effort to get them to eat more pasta. Ultimately, He succeeded, only to see the aborigines establish a worldwide chain of mediocre steakhouses.
The pharaohs sought protection from the FSM in the afterlife. In spite of their wealth, it appears that they’re still waiting.
The Great Wall of China, one of the few man-made objects that can be seen from the heavens, is suspected to be a tribute to the FSM.
Originally misidentified as cracks, this partial pedimental sculpture of the FSM reveals that Western civilization was founded on a deep reverence for Pastafarianism.
Somehow Michelangelo snuck this one past the pope. Since then it has gone on to become one of the most commonly downloaded pieces of art ever produced.
When Ben Franklin described electricity as “a Noodly power cast down to earth,” he was more correct than people realized.
Intimidated by the FSM’s great intellect, the Founding Fathers decided to include a clear separation between church and state. They wouldn’t even let Him