The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - Bobby Henderson [54]
Evidence of a Holy Baker is in our world, in cake and in chocolate. Scientists tell us that the world was a stew, when I think it is clearly a layered cake. They have the stew idea, and I have a theory that stands by cake. Who but the divine, who was actually there, could say which one of us is right? Cakes are made by mortal bakers, chocolate is divinely mixed by Germans, and Pirates are inexplicably complex. All these factors lead us to the conclusion that our world was created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who, in His wisdom, baked us all.
Piracy as a Preventor of Tropical Cyclones
Jacob D. Haqq-Misra
DEPARTMENT OF METEOROLOGY PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIVERSITY
Michael B. Larson
DEPARTMENT OF PHYSICS AND ASTRONOMY UNIVERSITY OF WYOMING
ABSTRACT
Recent hurricane seasons have been characterized by intense and frequent tropical cyclones. One contributor is the increased sea-surface temperature, which is caused by decreased upwelling of cold deep-ocean water. We demonstrate that decreased Pirate activity results in less upwelling. This suggests that the only viable solution to intense tropical cyclones is to increase Pirate activity.
INTRODUCTION
The destructiveness of the 2004 and 2005 hurricane seasons has heightened public and scientific awareness of the possible long-term consequences of global warming. Although the link between hurricane strength and global warming remains speculative, recent work has shown that hurricanes have intensified over the past thirty years (Emmanuel, 2005), with an increase in the number of category 4 and 5 hurricanes and a decrease in those classified as categories 1 and 2. Emmanuel (1987) argued that hurricane intensity is a function of the sea surface temperature (SST) which, of course, increases as the earth warms. But other factors are important as well. Lighthill et al. (1994) pointed out that while a lower SST limit of 26°C is required for tropical cyclone formation, several other key factors contribute to formation and intensity.
The increase in global average temperature is well correlated with a decrease in global Pirate population, as evident in Figure 1 (Henderson 2006).
Figure 1
PIRACY AND UPWELLING
Piracy decreases the average SST by inducing upwelling of cold deep-ocean water. Various Pirate activities contribute to upwelling. These include involuntary crew resignation, intervessel interactions, and acoustically transmitted oscillations (Bligh, 1789; Stevenson, 1883).
Involuntary crew resignation (ICR, aka “walking the plank”) involves a Pirate or captive being forcibly ejected from a vessel at sea. This results in upwelling from displacement of water by the ejectee (Archimedes, c. 250 b.c.e.).
Intervessel interactions (IVI, aka “sea combat”) consists of transmission of projectiles between vessels, resulting in destruction or boarding. Upwelling is caused by scattered projectiles and by sinking of vessel elements.
Acoustically transmitted oscillations (ATO, aka “sea shanties”) were originally intended to boost morale of rowing Pirates. They have assumed ritual functions with the ascent of external power supplies. ATOs produce upwelling by disturbing the sea surface. This increases motion of large biological entities (“fish” or “whales”), producing displacement.
MODEL RESULTS
We have modeled Pirate-induced upwelling using the PARROT (Piratic Activity Realization Rate of Oceanic Tendencies) oceanic circulation model (Haqq-Misra et al., 2006). This model has 0.5° resolution and accurately reproduces present-day ocean currents (Figure 2a).
Figure 2a
We simulated normalized Pirate-induced upwelling (in upwelling Pirate units, or upu) over the three upwelling categories described above. An ICR event produces 1 upu.