The Great Derangement - Matt Taibbi [101]
The Way of the Master exposes American Christian fundamentalism at its most idiotic and infuriating. The entire gazillion-part lesson series is geared toward teaching Christian charges a single trick. According to the Bible, we find out, everyone is going to Hell. You see, we have these things called the Ten Commandments, and if you violate any of the Ten Commandments, God sends you downstairs for the big burn. These Ten Commandments prohibit, among other things, adultery and murder.
But I haven’t committed adultery, you protest—but that’s where you’ll be wrong, because it’s written right there in Jimmy Carter’s favorite passage, Matthew 5:28, “But I tell you that everyone who gazes at a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.”
Okay, fine, but I’m not a murderer, you say. Wrong again! It’s right there in first epistle of John, chapter 3, verse 15: “Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer.” If you’ve ever hated, and everybody hates somebody, then you have murdered.
Therefore, everybody is a murderer and everybody is an adulterer and everybody is going to Hell, unless they get saved. It’s perfect, a completely seamless formula.
Christians are immensely proud of this neat little trick. They love the way that, no matter how you twist and turn things, you’re going to Hell. It’s just the coolest thing. And they love watching videos of people like Cameron sneaking up on unsuspecting godless pedestrians in the doomed Sodomite capitals of American culture and asking them if they’ve ever lusted after anyone or hated somebody. Why yes, they answer, of course I have, not suspecting that friendly little Kirk Cameron is about to drop the mother of all surprises on their stupid unbelieving heads—well, then, if you’ve hated, you’re a MURDERER and you’re GOING TO HELL! Now how do you feel, unbeliever? Think you might change your mind now?
Amazingly, the trick works absolutely every time in the videos. Christians coo over this like junior high boys who swear by some karate move one of them learned from a tenth-grader who’s got a green belt—you know, if a guy tries to punch you here, you can just grab his wrist like this and then flip him like that and then hit him with a back round kick before he lands. Cool! Awesome! They then spend the next three years waiting for a chance to use the move at recess until eventually puberty kicks in and they forget about it completely and start focusing on getting girls. Eighth-grade boys, in other words, grow out of this sort of thing, but Christians can stay impressed by this crap until they’re gray and walking with canes.
Anyway, during the showing of the video I was seated closest of all to the TV, which faded for a moment and then faded back in with the image of a trickling, tree-lined stream. A twangy, cheery acoustic guitar soundtrack chimed in as the camera panned down to the mustachioed co-host Ray Comfort standing in a friendly pose by the rushing water.
“Alright!” he said. “I’m going to lead Kirk through these four stepping stones across the sca-a-a-ry waters of personal evangelism! That is, sharing his faith with a non-Christian. Kirk, what are you doing hiding behind that bush?”
Camera pans over to Cameron, who is crouching ludicrously behind a bush on the other side of the river.
“I’m a-scared!” he shouted. “I’ve never done this before, I’m nervous!”
The room erupted in laughter. On-screen, Comfort smiled.
“Folks,