The Great Derangement - Matt Taibbi [54]
I fell into the rear line, behind a pair of middle-aged new member women, and waited patiently. As Sorensen began anointing, the crowd all began to speak in tongues. Sorensen’s tongues were like Fortenberry’s—lots of lakakakashas and froooommms and see-bo-gralakashas, the same old Temple of Doom script. Sorensen’s gobbledygook was fluent but not particularly inspired; he looked like a man who gave 80 percent in everything he did, even playing the desperate. When he glanced at me, I rolled my eyes back and started tongue-speaking on cue. I was tired; this time I went with the Soviet national anthem:
Through tempests the sunrays of freedom have cheered us
Along the new path where great Lenin did lead.
To righteous endeavors he raised up the peoples,
Inspired them to labor and to valorous deeds!
Sorensen nodded appreciatively at me; I smiled. Then he doused the woman in front of me with oil, and she fell backward, babbling nonsense; along with two other men, I caught her and laid her on the floor. She had a huge smile on her face.
She was NOBODY.
BACK AT HOME, I sat at my desk, exhausted, and pulled my fortune cookie out of my pocket. It read:
There is no time like the pleasant.
On the other side of the paper there was a Chinese symbol. Next to it, in English, it read:
Milk.
SIX
Congressional Interlude II,
or
Democrats Seize the Reins of the Derangement
IT’S THE FIRST WEEK of November 2006, and I’m reclining in a state of mild-to-heavy sedation in a large and lifeless Marriott Hotel suite in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I’m here covering the midterm elections for Rolling Stone (specifically I’m here to poke a stick in the political corpse of Christ-humping senator Rick Santorum, who is about to lose his seat in a landslide), and while most of “progressive” America is popping the champagne corks, reveling in what looks like a stirring, throw-the-bums-out end to the Bush revolution, I’m feeling sick to my stomach.
The yellow legal pad covered with fevered scribbles lying next to me on the bed tells the story. My notes indicate that hours earlier, at 10:46 p.m., media demigod Barack Obama appeared on CNN, saying that the Democratic victory heralded “change” and a “new direction,” adding that the party anxiously awaited the conclusions of the Baker-Hamilton report on the Iraq conflict. Later, at 11:58, Rahm Emanuel—slimy brother of even slimier Hollywood superagent Ari Emanuel—promises “change” and a “new direction.” At 12:09 Harry Reid comes on the tube. His approximate quote: “All across America, from the deserts of somewhere to the streets of somewhere else, there is in the air the winds of change!” Roars, cheers from the crowd at this, then he adds: “We’re headed in a new direction!” Reid points out that the Baker-Hamilton report should offer some insight into what to do about the whole Iraq business.
Seven minutes later, at 12:16, it’s Nancy Pelosi’s turn. “Never have we made it more clear that we need a new direction,” she says. “Mr. President, we need a new direction!” She adds that she anxiously awaits the Baker-Hamilton report, which should help point the way forward in Iraq. At 12:24, someone asks Barack Obama, who is back on the air for what seems like the eight hundredth time tonight—the Dems are doing some serious brand-ID work this election—what he thinks the election results mean. Surprisingly, he says that it “confirms in my mind that the American people are eager to move in a new direction.”
At 1:12 a.m., it’s Dianne Feinstein’s turn to speak. She says the elections are “a signal for a change in direction.”
Apparently we need a new direction. We also need change. As for Iraq, that’s a tough one, but let’s wait for the conclusions of the Baker-Hamilton