The Gum Thief - Douglas Coupland [31]
The thing with Alzheimer’s is that the patient and everybody in their life knows all too well what’s happening; the walking-on-eggshells factor is remarkable. Simple lapses such as forgetting a phone number create tension like a storm’s about to break, which triggers denial, which often triggers fights and tears. In a weird way, only when the disease is in full expression is there any form of relief. A sufferer forgets who he or she is, and where he or she is—everything. What do they dream of at night? Do they dream the dreams of a fetus? Are they back on fet-ohol?
Bethany
Roger, the funniest moment in my short history in this dump of a store happened this afternoon, and you missed it. This middle-aged guy totally lost it in line. Kyle was at the till, and, well, let’s face it: God never intended for Kyle to be working at a till. He was meant for other things. But anyway, this guy comes in—forty-five? Dockers. Dorky sage green checkered short-sleeved sports shirt, like something a left-wing politician would wear to a golf course— and after waiting in line for a while he starts shouting, “You incompetent brats. For God’s sake, if you’re a fuckup at your job, either quit or get fired. But don’t ask me to subsidize your uselessness with my good will. I am not here to be your learning curve. I am here to pay for my purchase without having to watch you learn new product code numbers every single time you ring in an item.”
Kyle was unfazed by this—he’s got psychic Teflon. So he kept on plugging away in pursuit of correct code numbers until he found the right one.
I was taking down the Halloween displays by the window. Shawn whispered to me, “That’s Mr. Rant. He’s nuts. He hasn’t been in for ages. He can actually be fun if you get him going.” So I figured, what the hell, and I asked the guy, “Is there anything else that annoys you, sir—I mean, while we’re on the subject and all?”
And he totally got into it. “Potato skins,” he said. “I hate them. They’re ugly, they taste shitty, and let me dispel one pernicious myth right now: not only are there no vitamins or minerals in them, they’re supermagnets for pesticides, fungicides, larvicides and other agrochemical residues. Restaurants that serve unpeeled potatoes are too fucking lazy to peel them. End of story. Potato skins are pure laziness crystallized into earthly form, and if you want science to back this up, check out recently skyrocketing cancer rates in the intensive potato farming areas of Prince Edward Island.”
I said, “I know exactly what you mean. Potato peels taste awful, and people always try to make you feel bad about yourself if you don’t do a little happy dance when they put them in front of you.”
“Finally, someone else who cares.”
“What else bugs you?”
“Since you ask, I actively dislike people who refuse to own a microwave oven out of a misguided notion of moral or biological superiority. Come on, who the hell do you think you’re impressing? Every time you use a conventional oven, you’re sucking trillions of wasted megawatts from the national power grid. Microwaves are smart, efficient and good for the planet. And thanks to China, they’re almost free with a tank of gas these days. What the fuck is with that country? How do they manage to make shit even cheaper than it is already?”
“Everything in this store is made in China,” I said. “If I think about it too much, I get a queasy feeling. What else bugs you?”
“Why do restaurants heat your plate before they put your food on it? There always has to be some asshole with a blow torch in the prep area, scorching the crockery in a warming oven, thus ensuring that when your food arrives in front of you, it will emit too much steam and generate blackheads. Your server will say, ‘Mind the hot plate,’ and then, after waiting ten minutes for the thing to cool down, when you finally do take a bite you burn your tongue or the roof of your mouth. The whole hot food thing is a scam. Humans were meant to eat food no hotter than the temperature of blood.”
“Amen.”
By now, Mr. Rant was next at the till. I looked at