The Gum Thief - Douglas Coupland [67]
Thanks again for last week’s flowers, Roger. You didn’t need to. It was very important that you did so.
I hope that you and your ex and your daughter and whoever else have a good Christmas this year. Around now, I’m normally a mess, but this year is different—I feel like I’m pregnant and due in three days.
Merry Christmas,
DD
Roger, are you in your apartment but not answering the door? I could swear I heard someone move in there. Don’t worry. You probably aren’t dressed and shaved. I wouldn’t answer the door either. But in the spirit of Glove Pond, I’m leaving you a selection of food: a box of pancake mix (no weevils), a dozen eggs, marmalade, butter and a loaf of bread you can use to make lots of toast.
DD
Staples
As you may have heard, Bethany is now back with us, filling in part-time during the holiday season. If any of you need time off before December 24 to help “Santa’s Merry Elves” in your own life, we can work with Bethany to arrange a shift change.
Please note that the blank-CD bin at the end of Aisle 12-South has been temporarily moved to allow for retiling.
Fahad
PS: Don’t forget this year’s “Margaritas ‘n’ Madness” (!!!) on December 22, at 9:00. Fran has rented a table for twenty at the Keg & Cleaver, and if you could give her a five-dollar deposit, that would be great.
Bethany
Yes, I’m back at Staples, and there’s no need for further comment. Pete was very kind to give me part-time work, especially after last month’s hasty vanishing act. But after Europe and all its beauty, it’s hard to handle the store’s lighting and all the boring products we sell. It feels like we’re working inside a photocopier. And the way people dress compared to in Europe? Here we all look like newsies in a Broadway play.
Roger, I’m sorry you got fired. You were the only part of Staples I was looking forward to. And everyone was all too eager to tell me the saga of Glove Pond. I am so sorry they did that to you. It physically hurt me when they told me what they’d done, and I had to ask them to stop. They’re horrible, nasty little people, but I knew that already, so I can’t claim to be surprised. They’re pretty much indicative of the world at large. I come in and do my job and don’t talk to people. I’m trying to rack up the hours and rebuild some kind of savings, and that’s as far as my ambition goes. But I’ve been rereading Glove Pond and love it more than ever, and I hope you’re going to finish it. You have to—you can’t leave me in the lurch!
Another huge shock to me coming back here was I found a pile of my FedEx’ed letters to you that you’d never received. Shawn asked me why I’d be sending you packages from Europe, so on the spot I made up a lie about doing genealogical research for you. Her curiosity ended there. I guess you didn’t know about Kyle and me splitting up. Or Paris. Or Greg. I’ve attached the unopened FedEx envelopes here. You may as well read about my emotional car crash in proper sequence. I don’t want to go into it here.
On the plus side, if you saw me, Roger, you’d see a new, super-healthy Bethany. Mom bought me a Fitness World gym membership, and I go there twice a day. All I eat these days is fresh vegetables, lean meat and gum, but I’m much more clever about stealing it now that the Internet has turned gum thievery into destination viewing. I’ve washed off my makeup and am trying to go for a girl-next-door look. Maybe even a jock look. Maybe even a mountain climber look, with all those clips and fasteners and nylon