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By Root 607 0

of their bodies stayed behind! But this is total crap. What would be left behind if everything that was you vanished? The only thing that’s truly you is cells containing your DNA. So that means everything that isn’t a DNA-bearing cell would be left behind on the 747. So yes, there’d be clothing and shoes, but there’d also be dental fillings, breast implants, hair weaves, false eyelashes, porcelain veneers, makeup, contact lenses, nail polish, artificial hips, donated kidneys, artificial hearts, pacemakers, cologne, heart stents—and if you think about it further, all the non-DNA stuff from inside the body: undigested food, bacteria, viruses, prions, snot, earwax, piss and drugs. And then the last thing of all would be the water that keeps everything going—gallons of water, because water doesn’t have any DNA in it. Saliva would be left behind too, except for shed skin cells from within the mouth. BTW, that’s how they nailed the Unabomber: from shed mouth cells in the saliva he’d used to moisten the flaps of his bomb-loaded envelopes. I think even eggs and sperm would be left behind, because aren’t they only half of a DNA strand searching for another half?

So back up in the jumbo jet there’d be 250 seats containing ugly puddles of soggy crap where there used to be people. Imagine the smell.

Let’s go further. Forget what got left behind in the plane’s seats—what would it be, then, that was actually taken away in this movie’s rapture event-thingy? Some weird, completely dehydrated beef jerky thing? Maybe not even that—we’d be like pantyhose.

Wait—I’m not sure if bones count.

Let me google it.

Five minutes later: Know what? Bones don’t contain DNA, but marrow does, thus skeletons minus the marrow

would be left behind inside the 747. Hair, it turns out, contains no DNA either—only the roots—so hair would be left behind as well. And don’t forget teeth, minus the pulp inside them. In fact, what we think of as our bodies is only partially “us.” We’re made of filler. We’re hot dogs, Roger. DNA is basically this containment system required to hold all of the goop we flatter ourselves into thinking is so holy.

But. . . it turns out I was wrong about the sperm thing. Sperm contains fifty times as much DNA as blood does. It’s a forensic bonanza. Weird, huh? But here’s something I could never figure out. I remember looking at my high school yearbook and thinking it was strange that there were an equal number of girls and boys. Let’s face it—there ought to be one guy for every hundred women. One trillion sperm for every egg? What was nature thinking? It’s always struck me as nutty. I remember watching documentaries about WWII, how in Germany in 1946 there were two women for every man, and even at the age of six, I thought, Yeah, that sounds far more realistic.

Time to change the subject.

Random fact: If you chug a gallon of whole milk, within one hour you’ll puke yourself clean.

Interruption . . .

Yves from the printing counter was wondering if I’ve seen his cellphone. He’s one of those guys who buys all of his Christmas presents at a 7-Eleven on Christmas Eve— his family members get copies of Vanity Fair wrapped in Reynolds Wrap.

Yeah, Bethany, like you’re totally into Christmas or something.

Thank you, interior monologue. You are correct. I am being a hypocrite.

But what was the universe thinking when it came up with Christmas? Hey, let’s wreck six weeks of the year with guilt and loneliness and unnecessary cheesy crap! And then let’s invent office superstores where they can take everyday stuff like pens and glossy printer paper and commit an emotional travesty by suggesting these items as gift ideas for loved ones!

I think Christmas is about that point where we as humans split off from the rest of the universe and became prisoners of ourselves instead of being unselfconscious and free like the animals and birds. Yes, we received cars and jets and Hollywood motion pictures, but we also got saddled with calendars and time—the fact that there’s either too much of it, or too little. And we also got saddled with the knowledge