The Haj - Leon Uris [247]
‘I think I am going to be ashamed,’ I managed to say.
‘Oh, my brother, there is more, much more, to being a woman in our world. You feel the pain of it until you become like Mother and can feel no pain anymore. So now I can talk with boys and girls and sing and demonstrate. What do I care about what the demonstrations mean? I am their nightingale. I look at boys and smile. I brush past them. I flirt. Sabri showed me that there may be something tremendously wild and beautiful in life. Why shouldn’t I find out?’
‘I cannot approve of such ... talk ...’
‘Have you ever had a girl?’ she asked.
‘I am not going to answer that.’
‘Well, have you done it?’
‘Only with widow ladies.’
‘Was it wonderful?’
‘Nada!’
‘Was it?’
‘Well, once you get over the fear, and if you have an understanding widow, well, there is incredible wonderment.’
‘You did it. You felt it. Everything has been denied me, but you have felt it. And you will do it again when you have a chance.’
‘This talk is getting dangerous,’ I said.
Nada did not hear me. She was in a trance. She swayed back and forth with her eyes closed. ‘I see myself and a boy. I don’t know who he is, but we have gone to the springs alone. We throw off our clothes and stare at each other. I look at his sacred part. It is magnificent.’
She opened her eyes and smiled. ‘I used to look at your sacred part all the time when you were a baby. All the girls like to change diapers on their baby brothers so they can look and even play with the sacred part. I want to feel everything about a man. I want to touch everything. To kiss everything. I want a boy to look at me with wonderment because I am a wonderment! Oh God, it must be incredible!’
‘Nada, please be careful. Please, please, please be careful.’
‘I will not die like Hagar and Ramiza and Fatima, as receptacles. I will not be kept in a cage.’
‘Please,’ I said to her again, as in prayer: ‘Be careful, please be careful.’
With Omar and Jamil gone, Father began to sense shifts in the family winds. When Nada was missing from the house, it was noticed. These days she was gone a great deal, and it did not take much to figure out where. The little birds of the fedayeen were a flock in constant flight. The Haj did not like it. There was bound to be a clash.
One morning after the meal, Father summoned us together. It was unusual to do so at this hour of the day. We entered, one by one, knelt, and kissed his hand. Kamal and I took our seats on either side of him and the women on stools along the wall.
‘Nada,’ Ibrahim said, ‘stand up.’
She did as she was told.
‘I have been extremely fortunate to find a position for you in Amman in the home of a United Nations official. He is a great and honorable Syrian, Mr. Hamdi Othman. Although he is an Alawite by religion, he is still a man highly beloved in the ranks of UNRWA. He has three small children. You are to attend them. I have made an arrangement whereby you will be able to come and see us every second month. In many ways this is so fortunate for you. The Othmans are very kind people. They have traveled in the West. It is so crowded here. Now you will have a room of your own, which you will only have to share with two other girls. I know this must please you greatly.’ There was silence. ‘Well, Nada, it does please you.’
‘Yes, Father.’
‘Good, then I am pleased that you are pleased. I know the honor of the Soukori clan will be foremost in your mind and heart. Before you leave, to ensure modesty, your mother will cut off your hair, and you will henceforth veil yourself in public. Let us move it along. Mr. Othman and his wife will be here to fetch you shortly.’
Haj Ibrahim got up and left.
Instantaneous weeping, an oft-occurring matter, broke out among the women, except for Nada. I have never witnessed such fury in anyone’s eyes. She remained motionless as Hagar ran the scissors through her lovely thick brown hair and let it fall around Nada’s ankles. When her head was shaved smooth, Mother tied