The Happiness Myth_ An Expose - Jennifer Hecht [105]
FRANCES (with a large bone well back between her molars): That was a silly fad, wasn’t it, that nut fad? I think it was worse than the raw vegetables, although it did not give me such stomach pains. I nearly passed away when we had the raw vegetable fad! Do you remember the night we had raw parsnips, father?
MR. JONES (breaking a bone in two by setting his jaws on it and pulling down on the other end with both hands): Yes, indeed! I thought we were going to lose you, Frances. That was what finally convinced me that raw vegetables were not a rational diet. It awakened me, just as your mother’s appendicitis case showed me that oat-hulls were not—(Angrily)—William!
[William, boylike, has been gorging his food without chewing it properly, and a long, thick bone has stuck in his throat. The other end extends into the air, and his face is rapidly turning from crimson to black. Edgar reaches across the table and jerks the bone out of William’s throat. It might be as well to have a sword-swallower play the part of William when this play is staged.]
MR. JONES (still angry): William, how many times must I tell you to fletcherize your bones before you swallow them? You might as well be eating bread and butter, or roast beef, if you don’t fletcherize your bones properly. Chew each bite of bone four hundred times, young man, or I’ll get a jaw-meter and make you wear it!
WILL (pouting): Well, my stomach feels like a dog-fight now. It feels like—like—
FRANCES (quickly): You needn’t tell us what it feels like, young man! It is no wonder it feels like it, when you won’t fletcherize….
EDGAR (to Amelia, in loverlike tones): Why, dearest, you are not eating? […]
AMELIA (in confusion): I—no—I—I am not hungry tonight, Edgar.
[Their discussion roams a bit here, then comes back to the bones.]
MR. JONES: […] Will you have a few more bones, Amelia?
AMELIA (politely): No, thank you. I—I haven’t eaten all of these yet.
WILL (accusingly): Oh, she hasn’t eaten a bone yet!…I’ll bet she’s a food-eater!
MR. JONES (angrily): William! What are you saying? You will be calling Amelia a coffee drinker next, and then you’ll be sent to bed without having your backbone rubbed. (To Amelia)—Don’t mind him, dear; he is a rude, ill-bred boy. He actually scoffs at bone eating. And once—but no, that is too terrible to tell, even in a family party.
WILL (brazenly): Huh, I’ll tell! I ain’t afraid. Ma caught me in the barn eating a piece of white bread!
[Mr. Jones half rises as if he could hardly refrain from taking Will in hand at once. Will grins mischievously. The whole family is shocked.]
MR. JONES: Will, what will Amelia think of us now? She will think we are savages!
WILL (pointing to Amelia): Well, she’s a savage. She doesn’t eat bones.
[After a bit more of such talk, Amelia storms out, announcing that she is going to a restaurant. Edgar follows her and the parents peel off after them, supposedly to retrieve them, but the implication is that they will all be eating, and that, in truth, they cheat on their bone diet often, each in secrecy. Young Will says to his sister:]
WILL: […] What does father do every day when he goes out to lunch? Crack bones? He eats food! Bones? What does mother do after father leaves for the office? Does she lock herself into her room to eat bones? She eats real food. (Turning to audience.) You see! The whole world is insincere; only youth is honest. In her youth America must place her hope. The whole nation is cracking bones, but youth alone is sincere!
FRANCES: Yes! Yes! So you may have these bones, William. I am going out to be insincere.
[Left alone, Will is served a steak as the curtain falls.]
Note the “dog-fight” in the young son’s stomach, the accusations of savagery, the consciousness and unconsciousness of their foolishness, and the final bit about the distance between what people do and what they say. All their various diets are antimeat, yet this is the very thing they cannot resist. There is sexual tension and parental overcontrol in the “jaw-meter” and in the image