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symptom with some other. The therapist wants them to find out what the symptoms are for. They resolutely do not. So they talk, and the therapist waits for something that seems unusual, and then asks more about that, until they can see that there is something particular about the way they see things. This second set of eyes is not the only reason you cannot do this alone. The other reason has to do with the tiger I mentioned earlier. What we take for instinct is imprinted so keenly because of the special relationship between parent and child. Families are isolated together, their members are intimate about much that is usually hidden, and these members have archetypical names and roles, as well as real ones. Our family is the place that sets our “instincts” and assumptions, and we need a similar role-heavy microworld to reset them.

There are brilliant philosophers and psychologists who themselves lead sorrowful lives. Somehow they make miserable choices, depriving themselves of love, money, and other normal comforts. Explaining to them what they are missing out on is like trying to get a dog with no legs to jump through a hoop by vigorously waving a steak on the other side. The problem is not motivation. Even the most insightful and motivated people cannot do the trick for themselves. You generally need someone outside yourself to help you change your mind. Consider a light version: You had an argument at home, then told the story to a friend and were shocked to find he or she thought you had been in the wrong. Remember how your hot anger changed to cold shame and you raced home? But it works on a deep level, too: you can shift your profound assumptions about the world, practically on a dime, with outside help. But it has to be done just right. This level cannot be approached by your friends; they know you are weird about certain things, but they don’t know why, and they have learned that you won’t tolerate discussion about these things. Defenses clang shut when threatened. That is why you need someone with some training. To return to one of my above metaphors: The piles of rocks and ramparts are not solid and real; they are inventions of the mind. No one else sees them, just the way you skirt around them. Because they are imaginary constructions, they are very effortful to maintain. It is exhausting to be heavily defended. People who are heavily defended may get a lot done in one or two areas, but they don’t have balanced lives, because they are spending too much energy holding up their defenses. When we feel safe, when we feel we are with someone who basically agrees with us about the symbolic universe, we let down our defenses, confident that our companion understands the symbols that are usually walled up, and will act appropriately. The psychologist hangs out in your field with you long enough that he or she is allowed to make small suggestions about the symbols and whether they deserve the effort they take.

Psychotherapy is not just about pain. Just as you should know if your gun shoots slightly to the left of its sighting device, you should know if you tend to trust authorities or iconoclasts, for instance. You should know if the idea of the world as in decline seems right to you, or if believing in progress is your default setting. We each of us seethe over things that other people discount entirely. Aurelius said, “Life is opinion,” and Shakespeare said, “There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”4 This can sound like sophism or moral relativism, but it is more about the idea that with some self-knowledge, we can be happier. We have to find out why we think the way we think and what our assumptions are.

Socrates and Plato told you to unwrap your opinions on the world, and Freud told you to unwrap yourself. The third know yourself is less strictly associated with a doctrine or school, and, unlike the other two, is about knowing, not unknowing. It is expounded by anyone who has cultivated his or her own mind into a dependable and interesting friend, especially if he or she becomes lost and alone