The Haunted - Jessica Verday [40]
Caspian shook his head. “We discussed this last night, remember?” His voice was so hollow. He’d given up already. Rash impulses filled me, and I crouched before him. We were face-to-face, and I could see his shadowed eyes. “Don’t do this, Caspian. Don’t give up on yourself.”
“Don’t give up on myself ?” He laughed weakly. “What is this, an after-school special? I don’t have anything to give up on. I’m nothing.”
“That’s not true. If I can see you, that means you’re something. We just have to figure out what.”
“I’ve already played that game, Abbey. When I first met you. It didn’t turn out so well, remember? I broke you.”
I slammed my hand against the hard floor, surprising both of us. “Don’t throw that back at me. I had every right to be upset.”
“And I don’t?”
“Yes! Yes, you do. That’s the point. Get upset. Get pissed off. Yell at me for coming into your place and going through your stuff. Feel emotions. If you have that, then you’re not nothing.”
Caspian suddenly leaned forward. Startled, I stood up.
He echoed my movement, placing both hands on the bench and pushing himself to a standing position. We were inches apart, and I took a nervous step backward. I don’t know why I did that, but his eyes looked strange. Wild. My stomach fluttered. What was he going to… do?
He took a step forward. I took a second step back. He advanced, and I retreated, until I felt a wall behind me. He took another step forward and slid his hands on either side of me.
Bracing himself against the wall, he had me pinned in.
My throat went dry, and I swallowed. My legs turned to water, and my clothing felt like it was sticking to me. I swallowed again, burning everywhere. It was so warm in here.
Caspian leaned in and put his lips right next to my ear. I fought very hard not to shiver.
“You want me to have feelings?” he said. “I already told you that I love you. What else should I say? That I long to be near you every second of every day? I see colors, only around you.…
I smell perfume, only around you. God, it’s like… like I’m alive again. Sometimes I go crazy just wondering if I’ve imagined it all, and I wait to see when it… you… will be taken away from me.”
The sputtering of a dying candle nearby distracted him, and then we were plunged into darkness over in the corner of our little world. The sound of his voice in my ear and the soft darkness blanketing around us had me biting my lip to hold back a moan. My skin was growing hotter. Aching for his touch, for any part of him to fuse with me and make this terrible need go away.
How could I do this? How could I feel this way, knowing that nothing could be done about it?
“I feel all these things, Abbey,” he continued on. “Rage that I can’t run my fingers through your hair. Sorrow that I can’t lay my face next to yours. Agony that I can’t steal the breath from your lips. I can’t eat or breathe or sleep for wanting to touch you, and yet I don’t eat or breathe or sleep. I’m just here. Stuck in between.”
A tear rolled down my cheek and I closed my eyes, turning my head away from him. This was too much. I couldn’t handle this longing and emotion. This much pain. I broke too easily.
“I crave your companionship, your friendship, your conversation,” he said. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to go from having everyone see you and talk to you, to having them all ignore you? You’re left with nothing but your thoughts and a whole lot of free time.” He moved his arms, and the prison lifted. I cleared my throat and tried to find my voice. “I want you to feel those things, Caspian. Feeling means you’re human. Hold on to that. Grab on and don’t let it go.”
He was drawing away from me. I felt it, and I was desperate to make him stay.
“I don’t know if I can,” he said, mumbling. “It’s too hard to pretend. I get too angry.…” He trailed off, and I was lost.
“What do you mean? Does something… happen?”
Caspian laughed bitterly. “Yeah, it’s called my temper. When I first found out what happened to me, I was really angry about it. Pissed off at everyone. And I did some stuff.
Stuff I’m not proud of.