The Hidden - Jessica Verday [26]
“How did you …?” I said.
“I saw you guys in the cemetery last year. This is what she wore, right?”
I nodded and took the drawing from him, stroking the outline of her face. Cheekbones, jawline, eyes … Everything was right. Even in her black-and-white world, he had captured Kristen’s vivacity. It was there, in the slight tilt of her chin, the excited look in her eyes, the way she stood. Happy and ready to experience anything.
“It’s beautiful, Caspian,” I said. “Absolutely beautiful. It’s her. She’s here. Now she’s always here.”
And then I burst into tears. Huge, racking sobs that rolled and shuddered through my body.
“Hey,” Caspian said. “Hey, Astrid. It’s okay. Don’t …”
He moved closer, but he couldn’t hold me. Couldn’t put his arms around me, or move my hair back away from my face. Instead he just did the best thing he could. He let me cry.
“I can’t believe she’s really gone,” I said through my tears. “It was my first day … alone … and her locker …” I cried harder. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t be me without her. I don’t know who I am … or what I am. I’m empty. Just a shell.”
Caspian leaned in close to my ear. His voice was low and soft. I had to slow my breathing to catch what he was saying. “You’re not empty. You’re strong and smart and talented, Abbey. Kristen will always be with you, but she’s not who you are. You’re Abbey. Just Abbey. Without Kristen, yes, but that’s okay. That’s what makes you unique.”
I gripped the drawing and looked up at him. “Kiss me,” I said suddenly. Desperately. “Please. Please, somehow … just find a way to kiss me.”
Sorrow filled his eyes. And heartbreak echoed in his voice. “I’m sorry, love. I can’t.”
Sighing, I leaned back against the bench. Defeat made me weary. Every bone in my body was tired. This was so hard. … “I know,” I said softly.
We sat in silence for a while, in that close space with death surrounding us, until he said, “Tell me your best memory of her.”
But I couldn’t choose just one. So I talked until I couldn’t remember any more.
The next day was better. And worse. Caspian took me to a movie to try to cheer me up. Of course there wasn’t any popcorn sharing or make-out sessions during the boring parts, but for two hours I got to pretend to be almost normal.
It was all just a dream, though. A fantasy. Gone as soon as the credits rolled and the lights came on.
“I bet they don’t even realize how lucky they are,” I said under my breath, glancing back as we walked out of the theater and passed a particularly obnoxious girl who was swallowing her boyfriend’s tongue. “They have no idea how much they take for granted.”
We walked past another couple who looked like they were two seconds away from public nudity. “Get a room,” I growled.
The girl looked up at me and glared, which just made me madder. “Jealous?” she sneered.
Ignoring her, I kept walking. But I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.
“It’s not fair,” I said angrily to Caspian, not even realizing that my tone was growing louder. “They have everything. Right in front of them. But do they appreciate it? No. They just keep acting like they have the right to do whatever they want, while some of us don’t even have the chance to—”
Someone bumped into me.
“Sorry,” a voice said. A voice that I recognized.
I turned around. “Cyn?”
“Hey, Abbey.”
She had a funny look on her face. Like she’d just witnessed something horrible and didn’t know what to do about it. “Are you …,” she started. And then that funny look came back.
“Am I what?”
Caspian moved next to me.
“Were you talking to someone?” She looked around, clearly trying to find the person that I’d come with, and for just a moment her eyes rested where Caspian was standing, before returning to mine.
“No. I wasn’t talking to anyone. Maybe it was someone else?” I lied.
“Are you here alone?”
“Yeah.” Lie number two. “You?”
“Same.”
An awkward silence fell between us, and I didn’t want to think too much about what level of crazy she might be grouping me into. I started to shift my position, to change my stance so that it was clear I was leaving.
She moved