The Hidden - Jessica Verday [75]
Tucking the tins under my arm, I went back upstairs. I felt a little silly when I got there, glancing down at my homemade tin can telephones, and it took a couple of minutes to actually work up the courage to use them.
Wedging one of the tin cans in between two books to hold it still, I propped the books up by Caspian’s ear. Then I pulled the string until it was taut, and carried the other tin can into my closet. I was able to close the door and thread the string out under the bottom, so I could sit inside. Somehow it made me feel less silly if I didn’t have to face him as I spoke into an empty cranberry can.
I leaned my head back against the wall. “Testing, testing,” I whispered. “One, two, three.”
There was no reply, but I hadn’t been expecting one. I guess mostly what I’d been expecting was the chance for someone to listen.
“I don’t know if this is going to work,” I said, putting the open end of the tin can up to my mouth. “This is a game that I played once in third grade. The strings are pulled tight so you can hear sound and words across it. Like a telephone wire.”
The stuffed bear sitting next to me stared up with one glassy eye. I pulled him into my lap and stroked his dark, smooth fur.
“I’m really scared,” I whispered, hoping that somehow Caspian could hear me, wherever he was. “What if I can’t do it? What if I’m not strong enough? What if I tell the Revenants that I … I don’t want to die? What if I beg for a second chance?”
Tears burned behind my lashes, but I refused to let them fall. “Oh, Caspian. That’s what I’m afraid of most of all. What if I’m not strong enough to be with you?” I shook my head. “I don’t know if I can become nothing. If I can become just a shadow of life. And what if you think I don’t love you enough to want to be with you?”
I hugged the bear tightly against my chest.
“I have all of these thoughts always going around and around in my head. I want to be with you. I want that more than anything. So how can there still be a part of me that doesn’t? How can there still be a part of me that wants to cling on? That wants things … other things. Like my shop.”
I closed my eyes and fell silent for a minute. It felt like I was betraying him somehow. By confessing all of this, I was exposing all of my inner secrets and fear. It was embarrassing. And overwhelming.
“I still want you, though,” I said. “But why do I have to choose? Everything I want, it comes with a price. I should be happy that I get to be with you. And yet I want …”
I put the tin can down. Pulled it away from my lips. I couldn’t tell him what I really wanted; him alive, and Kristen alive, and Vincent Drake out of the picture and no more Revenants hanging around.
Lifting the can back up for my farewell, I whispered, “All I want is for you to know that I love you. And I hope I’m strong enough for you.” And I wish you could hear these words …
Caspian finally woke up two days later, on Friday, the day of the Hollow Ball, and I was sick with worry about him the whole time he was asleep. Cacey had eventually called me back, but I hadn’t answered the phone, and she didn’t leave a message. He couldn’t remember how much time he’d lost, and that scared me. We didn’t really talk about it, though. What else was there to say?
On the way to school that morning, I took a quick side detour through the cemetery, and Caspian went with me. Kristen’s grave was only a foot away, but I felt apprehension fill me as I drew closer. Tonight was a big night. Slowly I stepped up to the tomb-stone.
“Hey, Kris.” I brushed away some dead leaves scattered on top. “Tonight’s the Hollow Ball.” It was chilly outside and I stuffed my hands into my pockets. “I’m going with Ben. I hope that … I hope that’s okay.”
A weird, prickly