The History of John Bull [39]
justices, and packed juries, he has always found the means to escape.
JOHN BULL.--What then?
DON DIEGO.--Consider, then, who is your best friend: he that would have brought him to condign punishment, or he that has saved him? By my persuasion Jack had hanged himself, if Sir Roger had not cut him down.
JOHN BULL.--Who told you that Sir Roger has done so?
DON DIEGO.--You seem to receive me coldly: methinks my services deserve a better return.
JOHN BULL.--Since you value yourself upon hanging this poor scoundrel, I tell you, when I have any more hanging work, I'll send for thee: I have some better employment for Sir Roger. In the meantime, I desire the poor fellow may be looked after. When he first came out of the north country into my family, under the pretended name of Timothy Trim, the fellow seemed to mind his loom and his spinning-wheel, till somebody turned his head; then he grew so pragmatical, that he took upon him the government of my whole family: I could never order anything, within or without doors, but he must be always giving his counsel, forsooth: nevertheless, tell him I will forgive what is past; and if he would mind his business for the future, and not meddle out of his own sphere, he will find that John Bull is not of a cruel disposition.
DON DIEGO.--Yet all your skilful physicians say that nothing can recover your mother but a piece of Jack's liver boiled in her soup.
JOHN BULL.--Those are quacks. My mother abhors such cannibals' food. She is in perfect health at present. I would have given many a good pound to have had her so well some time ago.* There are indeed two or three troublesome old nurses that, because they believe I am tender-hearted, will never let me have a quiet night's rest with knocking me up: "Oh, sir, your mother is taken extremely ill; she is fallen into a fainting fit; she has a great emptiness, wants sustenance." This is only to recommend themselves for their great care. John Bull, as simple as he is, understands a little of a pulse.
* New clamours about the danger of the Church.
CHAPTER XV. The sequel of the meeting at the "Salutation."*
* At the Congress of Utrecht.
Where I think I left John Bull, sitting between Nic. Frog and Lewis Baboon, with his arms akimbo, in great concern to keep Lewis and Nic. asunder. As watchful as he was, Nic. found the means now and then to steal a whisper, and by a cleanly conveyance under the table to slip a short note into Lewis's hand, which Lewis as slyly put into John's pocket, with a pinch or a jog to warn him what he was about. John had the curiosity to retire into a corner to peruse those billets doux* of Nic.'s, wherein he found that Nic. had used great freedoms both with his interest and reputation. One contained these words: "Dear Lewis, thou seest clearly that this blockhead can never bring his matters to bear. Let thee and me talk to-night by ourselves at the 'Rose,' and I'll give thee satisfaction." Another was thus expressed: "Friend Lewis, has thy sense quite forsaken thee to make Bull such offers? Hold fast, part with nothing, and I will give thee a better bargain, I'll warrant thee!'
* Some offers of the Dutch at that time, in order to get the negotiation into their hands.
In some of his billets he told Lewis "That John Bull was under his guardianship; that the best part of his servants were at his command; that he could have John gagged and bound whenever he pleased by the people of his own family." In all these epistles, blockhead, dunce, ass, coxcomb, were the best epithets he gave poor John. In others he threatened,* "That he, Esquire South, and the rest of the tradesmen, would lay Lewis down upon his back and beat out his teeth if he did not retire immediately and break up the Meeting."
* Threatening that the allies would carry on the war without the help of the English.
I fancy I need not tell my reader that John often changed colour as he read, and that his fingers itched to give Nic. a good slap on the chops, but he wisely moderated his choleric temper.
JOHN BULL.--What then?
DON DIEGO.--Consider, then, who is your best friend: he that would have brought him to condign punishment, or he that has saved him? By my persuasion Jack had hanged himself, if Sir Roger had not cut him down.
JOHN BULL.--Who told you that Sir Roger has done so?
DON DIEGO.--You seem to receive me coldly: methinks my services deserve a better return.
JOHN BULL.--Since you value yourself upon hanging this poor scoundrel, I tell you, when I have any more hanging work, I'll send for thee: I have some better employment for Sir Roger. In the meantime, I desire the poor fellow may be looked after. When he first came out of the north country into my family, under the pretended name of Timothy Trim, the fellow seemed to mind his loom and his spinning-wheel, till somebody turned his head; then he grew so pragmatical, that he took upon him the government of my whole family: I could never order anything, within or without doors, but he must be always giving his counsel, forsooth: nevertheless, tell him I will forgive what is past; and if he would mind his business for the future, and not meddle out of his own sphere, he will find that John Bull is not of a cruel disposition.
DON DIEGO.--Yet all your skilful physicians say that nothing can recover your mother but a piece of Jack's liver boiled in her soup.
JOHN BULL.--Those are quacks. My mother abhors such cannibals' food. She is in perfect health at present. I would have given many a good pound to have had her so well some time ago.* There are indeed two or three troublesome old nurses that, because they believe I am tender-hearted, will never let me have a quiet night's rest with knocking me up: "Oh, sir, your mother is taken extremely ill; she is fallen into a fainting fit; she has a great emptiness, wants sustenance." This is only to recommend themselves for their great care. John Bull, as simple as he is, understands a little of a pulse.
* New clamours about the danger of the Church.
CHAPTER XV. The sequel of the meeting at the "Salutation."*
* At the Congress of Utrecht.
Where I think I left John Bull, sitting between Nic. Frog and Lewis Baboon, with his arms akimbo, in great concern to keep Lewis and Nic. asunder. As watchful as he was, Nic. found the means now and then to steal a whisper, and by a cleanly conveyance under the table to slip a short note into Lewis's hand, which Lewis as slyly put into John's pocket, with a pinch or a jog to warn him what he was about. John had the curiosity to retire into a corner to peruse those billets doux* of Nic.'s, wherein he found that Nic. had used great freedoms both with his interest and reputation. One contained these words: "Dear Lewis, thou seest clearly that this blockhead can never bring his matters to bear. Let thee and me talk to-night by ourselves at the 'Rose,' and I'll give thee satisfaction." Another was thus expressed: "Friend Lewis, has thy sense quite forsaken thee to make Bull such offers? Hold fast, part with nothing, and I will give thee a better bargain, I'll warrant thee!'
* Some offers of the Dutch at that time, in order to get the negotiation into their hands.
In some of his billets he told Lewis "That John Bull was under his guardianship; that the best part of his servants were at his command; that he could have John gagged and bound whenever he pleased by the people of his own family." In all these epistles, blockhead, dunce, ass, coxcomb, were the best epithets he gave poor John. In others he threatened,* "That he, Esquire South, and the rest of the tradesmen, would lay Lewis down upon his back and beat out his teeth if he did not retire immediately and break up the Meeting."
* Threatening that the allies would carry on the war without the help of the English.
I fancy I need not tell my reader that John often changed colour as he read, and that his fingers itched to give Nic. a good slap on the chops, but he wisely moderated his choleric temper.