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By Root 1293 0

to a few inches above his ankle, squat down. His great vague eyes swam about beneath the magnifying lenses like a pair of jellyfish seen through a fathom of water. His dark grey hair was brushed out over his eyes like thatch. For all the indignity of his position it was with a great sense of style that he became seated following with his eyes the gentleman who had begun to walk around him slowly. Eventually the figure with the silver rod came to a halt.

‘Prunesquallor,’ he said.

‘My Lord?’ said the doctor, inclining his grey hayrick to the left.

‘Satisfactory, Prunesquallor?’

The doctor placed the tips of his fingers together. ‘I am exceptionally gratified my lord, exceptionally. Indeed I am. Very, very much so; ha, ha, ha. Very, very much so.’

‘Professionally you mean, I imagine?’ said Lord Sepulchrave, for as Steerpike had begun to realize to his amazement, the tragic-looking man was none other than the seventy-sixth Earl of Groan and the owner of, as Steerpike put it to himself, the whole caboodle, bricks, guns and glory.

‘Professionally …’ queried the doctor to himself, ‘… what does he mean?’ Aloud he said, ‘professionally, my lord, I am unspeakably satisfied, ha, ha, ha, ha, and socially, that is to say, er, as a gesture, ha, ha, I am over-awed. I am a proud fellow, my lord, ha, ha, ha, ha, a very proud fellow.’

The laugh of Doctor Prunesquallor was part of his conversation and quite alarming when heard for the first time. It appeared to be out of control as though it were a part of his voice, a top-storey of his vocal range that only came into its own when the doctor laughed. There was something about it of wind whistling through high rafters and there was a good deal of the horse’s whinny, with a touch of the curlew. When giving vent to it, the doctor’s mouth would be practically immobile like the door of a cabinet left ajar. Between the laughs he would speak very rapidly, which made the sudden stillness of his beautifully shaven jaws at the time of laughter all the more extraordinary. The laugh was not necessarily connected with humour at all. It was simply a part of his conversation.

‘Technically, I am so satisfied as to be unbearable even to myself, ha, ha, ha, he, he, ha. Oh very, very satisfactory it all was. Very much so.’

‘I am glad,’ said his lordship, gazing down at him for a moment. ‘Did you notice anything?’ (Lord Sepulchrave glanced up and down the corridor.) ‘Strange? Anything unusual about him?’

‘Unusual?’ said Prunesquallor. ‘Did you say unusual, my lord?’

‘I did,’ said Lord Sepulchrave, biting his lower lip. ‘Anything wrong with him? You need not be afraid to speak out.’

Again his lordship glanced up and down the landing but there was no one to be seen.

‘Structurally, a sound child, sound as a bell, tinkle, tinkle, structurally, ha, ha, ha,’ said the doctor.

‘Damn the structure!’ said Lord Groan.

‘I am at a loss, my lord, ha, ha. Completely at a loss, sir. If not structurally, then how, my lord?’

‘His face,’ said the earl. ‘Didn’t you see his face?’

Here the doctor frowned profoundly to himself and rubbed his chin with his hand. Out of the corner of his eyes he looked up to find his lordship scrutinizing him. ‘Ah!’ he said lamely, ‘the face. The face of his little lordship. Aha!’

‘Did you notice it, I say?’ continued Lord Groan. ‘Speak man!’

‘I noticed his face, sir. Oh yes, definitely I noticed it.’ This time the doctor did not laugh but drew a deep breath from his narrow chest.

‘Did you or did you not think it was strange? Did you or did you not?’

‘Speaking professionally,’ said Doctor Prunesquallor, ‘I should say the face was irregular.’

‘Do you mean it’s ugly?’ said Lord Groan.

‘It is unnatural,’ said Prunesquallor.

‘What is the difference, man,’ said Lord Groan.

‘Sir?’ questioned the doctor.

‘I asked if it was ugly, sir, and you answer that it is unnatural. Why must you hedge?’

‘Sir!’ said Prunesquallor, but as he gave no colour to the utterance, very little could be made of it.

‘When I say “ugly” have the goodness to use the word. Do you understand?’ Lord Groan spoke