The Jesuit Guide To (Almost) Everything - James Martin [103]
Finally, says Shelton, there needs to be something “special” about chastity. Shelton, for example, is a chaplain for two sports teams at the university—soccer and baseball. That means spending time with the students, taking an interest in who they are and what they do, going to the games, and getting to know their families. These things take up time that he would rightfully want to give to his family, were he married.
“But there is something more,” he says. “I’ve come to realize that I wouldn’t trade those moments, and the enduring relationships that have been forged after the students graduate, or the times that I’ve been available to a student in crisis, for a life with a wife and kids. Chastity provides me with something I couldn’t have if I were married, and which means just as much. This is what I would call ‘special’ for me.” He describes it in the same way that married couples might speak of their love: a special gift.
HOW CAN I LOVE CHASTELY?
At this point you still might be saying to yourself, So what? So what if that’s how chastity works for a Jesuit? Or, more bluntly, Sex is an enjoyable part of my life, so what does chastity have to do with me?
Well, the insights of religious chastity can help you even if you’re not a Catholic priest or in a religious order—namely, as a reminder that there are ways other than sex by which you can give and receive love. My friends Maddy, Bob, and Tim, all of whom live chastely, showed me love through their actions at different points in my life. These ways can be as valuable, meaningful, and important as a sexual expression of love.
Religious chastity means that you love people outside the context of a romantic relationship. And, if you think about it, that covers most people in your own life. If you’re single, widowed, or divorced, it covers everyone; if you’re in a committed relationship (married, engaged, etc.), it covers all but one person. So the insights of chaste love are more relevant to your life than you might at first think.
So how can you love chastely in your own life?
Let me suggest five brief ways based on Ignatius’s dictum that love shows itself more in deeds.
First, listen compassionately. As I mentioned, my friend Bob (Holy Eagle with Gentle Voice) is a good listener. A few years ago, he helped me work through a difficult personal problem by listening first. But real listening is an art. Before Bob even said one word, he listened to my entire story, for almost an hour, with great concentration. Without true, compassionate, attentive listening the next steps—advice, counsel, comfort—will fail, because you haven’t taken the time to understand the other.
Compassionate listening is also an important way of making someone feel respected and loved. Often we are embarrassed by our problems, especially when we feel that we are in some way responsible for them. Having someone listen even to our most mortifying mistakes reminds us that we are loved in the midst of our struggles, which is always a welcome gift.
Listening in joyful times is important, too. Letting someone you love share good news with you—even if it relates to a part of her life that is unfamiliar to you—can magnify her own joy.
Second, be present. As Jesuit novices, when we were working as hospital chaplains we were taught that a “ministry of presence,” simply being with another person, is an important part of pastoral care. While there is often little that you can do for a sick person, you can be with him or her.
This is frequently the case when loved ones are going through a hard time: often, since we can’t solve their problems, the most loving thing we can do is just be with them. As Woody Allen said, “Ninety percent of life is just showing up.” Something